Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage

Published:

November 12, 2020

As the mainstream media squanders its journalistic integrity by ignoring a devastating global pandemic, America’s Finest News Source has provided the most insightful, accurate, and truly divisive reporting on Covid-19.

The Onion

CDC Urges Americans To Just Say No If Friend Offers Them Coronavirus

The Onion

Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus By Making It Illegal To Mention Within A Week

The Onion

‘He’s Got The Mulan Virus!’ Yells Don Jr. Attempting To Quarantine Eric By Duct Taping Garbage Bag Over Head

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Coronavirus Fears Prompt 200-Foot Surgical Mask To Be Mounted Over Docking Cruise Ship

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Health Officials Warn It Is Impossible To Tell If American Cruise Ship Passengers Suffering From Coronavirus Or Just Like That

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CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

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Carnival Sinks Cruise Ship Rather Than Letting It Fall Into Coronavirus’ Clutches

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Passengers Aboard Coronavirus Cruise Ship Refusing To Leave After Forming Unlikely Friendships With Each Other That Transcend Nations, Languages

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PETA Quietly Testing ‘Coronavirus Is A Living Thing’ Ad Spots In Few Small Markets

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Desperate CDC Director Walks Down Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-On-One Talk With Avian Flu About Stopping Coronavirus

The Onion

Jörmungandr Succumbs To First Recorded Case Of Human-To-God Coronavirus Transmission

The Onion

Trump Holds Diplomatic Ceremony To Formally Welcome Coronavirus To United States

The Onion

Iran’s Deputy Health Minister Announces He Has Coronavirus And Also Hemorrhoids But That’s A Separate Thing That He Will Deal With On His Own

The Onion

‘Whatavirus?’ Says Half-Naked Mike Pence Brushing Crumbs Off Stomach While Taking First Call From Trump In 18 Months

The Onion

Panicked WHO Officials Not Sure How To Respond After Coronavirus Brings 12 People Back To Life

The Onion

Americans Urged To Stockpile Loved Ones Ahead Of Coronavirus Outbreaks

The Onion

WHO Warns Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time

The Onion

‘We Have Coronavirus Under Control,’ Announces CDC Director As Nose Slowly Transforms Into Pangolin Snout

The Onion

Bat Scientists Urge Colony To Reduce Spread Of Coronavirus By Sneezing Into Wing

The Onion

Pope Francis Urges Priests To Refrain From Molesting Children Over Coronavirus Fears

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CDC Advises Americans To Protect Against Coronavirus By Piling Into This Here Tub For A Scrubbin’

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Lucky Cruise Passengers Get Bunch Of Extra Days On Ship

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‘I Can’t Wait To Dress Up As The Coronavirus For Halloween,’ Says Man Who Will Be Dead By May

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Coworkers At Bathroom Sink Locked In Tense Standoff Over Who Going To Wash Hands Longer

The Onion

Best Buy CEO Humbly Asks If Everyone Can Go Out And Buy A Cord Or Something To Help With Company’s Coronavirus Losses

The Onion

Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To Your Fucking Seats Because This Bitch Hasn’t Even Thought About Starting Yet’

The Onion

Italy Travel Ban Gives Rise To Underground Network Of Gondoliers Smuggling Tourists Into Country

The Onion

Federal Reserve Takes Drastic Action By Pumping $1.5 Trillion Into The Ether

The Onion

‘New York Times’ Offering Free Access To Obituaries During Coronavirus Outbreak

The Onion

Health Experts Worry Coronavirus Will Overwhelm America’s GoFundMe System

The Onion

Trump Assures Americans He Called 911 To Report Coronavirus Outbreak

The Onion

Kushner Announces Doctors HATE Him After He Discovered One Weird Trick To CURE Coronavirus

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Frustrated Jared Kushner Doesn’t Get Why Everyone In Media Attacking His Qualifications Like They Didn’t Just Get Jobs Through Nepotism Too

The Onion

Movie Theaters Packed With Frenzied Crowds Trying To Catch Last-Minute Screening Of ‘Sonic’ Film Before Coronavirus Hits

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‘I Have Coronavirus And I Am Dead’ Says Trump Furthering Confusion Over COVID-19

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Trump Advises Americans Worried About Coronavirus To Just Get Doctor Who Always Tells Them They In Perfect Health

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Idaho Governor Orders State’s Restaurant To Be Shut Down

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Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closure Of All Orifices

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Pfizer Pours All Resources Into Developing New Hyper-Depressant Pill To Help Americans Ease Transition Into Self-Quarantining

The Onion

Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To Outrun Death

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Congress Allocates $2 Trillion To Bail Out Struggling Bailout Industry

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CDC Urges Americans To Prevent Spread Of Germs By Beatboxing Into Elbow

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Amazon Hires 100,000 New Workers To Cram In Close Quarters Just For Kicks

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Frustrated Dog Has No Time To Jerk Off Now That Owner Home All Day

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Trump Hits Back At China By Announcing U.S. Will Also Expel American Journalists

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Trump Quietly Checks With Aides To Make Sure He’d Be Included In Receiving $1,000 Government Checks

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Thousands Of Formerly Endangered White Rhinos Flood City Streets Mere Days After Humans Quarantined Indoors

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Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem

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Defiant 123-Year-Old Not Going To Let Coronavirus Stop Him From Hanging Out With Friends

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Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

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Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian People Die

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Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

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Hospital Holding Back Extra Coronavirus Test Kit In Case Josh Duhamel Needs One

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Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores

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Trump Orders Manufacturers To Drastically Ramp Up Production Of Hospital Gift Shop Supplies

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Experts Warn Americans Could Still Be Dealing With Coronavirus As Late As Tomorrow Afternoon

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Self-Isolated Woman Going So Crazy She’s Started Talking To Her Spouse

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‘This Tastes Like Nothing, I Must Have Coronavirus,’ Says Man Who Has Only Eaten Mac And Cheese For Last 8 Meals

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Coronavirus Forces Landlord To Cut Back On Taking Care Of Building From 1 To 0 Hours A Week

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Restless Trump Can’t Believe He Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do But Be President

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GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

The Onion

Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work

The Onion

Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

Full story.

The Onion

Trump’s Call To Reopen Economy Attributed To New Floating Virus Cloud Advisor

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British Royal Family Orders Citizens To Leave U.K. Until Prince Charles Recovers

The Onion

Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump Announces It’s Coronavirus Cure

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TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet

The Onion

Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It

The Onion

Unpatriotic Whiner Demands Ventilator

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Department Of Interior Announces Birds Will Continue Going About Regular Bird Activities During Pandemic

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Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet

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Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

The Onion

Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination

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Trump Delays Easter To July 15 To Keep Promise On Coronavirus

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‘What Is This Strange Sensation,’ Announces Nation Putting On Shoes For First Time In A While

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New York City Health Officials Board Up Sun To Discourage Large Groups From Gathering Outside

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Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

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New York Quickly Builds Thousands Of Emergency Hamptons Mansions To Shelter Wealthy

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Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

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Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine

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Life Risked Once Again Purchasing Frozen Waffles

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Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Before Making Announcement

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Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them

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Golden Corral Introduces Carry-Out 150-Choice Buffet

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BREAKING: This Is A Test Of

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‘They’re Doing Something To The Street,’ Reports Nation Staring Out Window

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Cousin Reluctantly Checked In On

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Woman Working From Home Not Sure She’ll Ever Be Able To Go Back To Regularly Wearing Bra, Dress, Big White Gloves, Minnie Mouse Head

The Onion

Los Angeles Mayor Urges Residents To Wear Face Masks, Lose 15 Pounds, Maybe Go Brunette

The Onion

ESPN Execs: ‘Fuck It, Air The Dogfighting’

The Onion

Remington Releases .000009 Millimeter Anti-Viral Bullet

The Onion

Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union

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Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church

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NYPD Razes Central Park Hospital Tents For Violating Outdoor Encampment Laws

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Surgeon General: ‘This Week Will Be Like Another Pearl Harbor—And Not In A Good Way, Either’

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Trump Admits 18 New States To Increase Competition For Medical Supplies

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Georgia Governor Argues That Closing State’s Beaches An Attack On Citizens’ Fundamental Right To Get Wet ’N’ Wild

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Boris Johnson Released From Hospital After Defunding It, Shutting It Down

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Ratings-Hungry Chris Cuomo Devotes Program To Interviewing 23 Other Cuomo Brothers

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Senator Kelly Loeffler Asks For Prayers After Losing $3 On Single Stock Due To Coronavirus

The Onion

Wisconsin Primary Voters Receive ‘I Voted’ Gravestones

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Trump Overturns Presidential Limo While Touting Effectiveness Of PCP To Treat Coronavirus

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Black Man Followed In Store From Exactly 6 Feet Away

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Exhausting Every Other Way To Pass Time, Couple Begins Ranking Their Lamps

The Onion

Olympic Torchbearer Has Been Jogging In Place On Street Corner For Past 2 Weeks

The Onion

‘Just Go Home And Sleep It Off,’ Says Doctor To Coughing, Feverish Black Patient

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Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

The Onion

CDC Releases Instructions For All Americans To Make Their Own Hospitals

The Onion

Black Man Shot By Police After Matching Description For Covid-19

The Onion

Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away

The Onion

‘It Was, For, Uh, Medical Reasons,’ Says Doctor To Boris Johnson, Explaining Why They Had To Give Him Haircut

The Onion

Postal Service Unveils Plan To Pay Debts With New $1 Trillion Stamp

The Onion

Bib-Wearing Nation Holding Forks And Knives Impatiently Waiting For Restaurants To Reopen

The Onion

Trump Blasts Dr. Fauci Over Repeated Negative Remarks About Coronavirus

The Onion

Aetna Honors All The Brave Insurance Debt Collectors Continuing To Work In This Difficult Time

The Onion

DMT Researchers Advise Maintaining 6-Foot Distance From Own Body

The Onion

Fears Over Food Supply Grows After Nation’s Naughty Little Boys Sneak Into Reserve Stockpiles And Eat All The Sweets

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Lonely Pedophile Wistfully Surveys Deserted Schoolyard Playground

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Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot

The Onion

‘Barber…I Was A Barber,’ Says Man Struggling To Recall Life Before Pandemic

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Answering The Call: Bungie Announced That Master Chief Is Available To Fight Coronavirus But Isn’t Sure How To Make That Happen

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Mental Health Walk Spent Being Glared At By Quarantined People In Windows

The Onion

‘You’ve Served Me Well, But This Has Gone Too Far,’ Says Oprah Loading Shotgun After Watching Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil Fox News Appearances

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Report: Rising Market Instability Driving More Countries To Peg Currencies To Akon’s Akoin

The Onion

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Fully Recovered Chris Cuomo Gradually Realizing Family Never Going To Let Him Out Of Basement

The Onion

Protesters Demand States Reopen, Notice Spike In Coronavirus Cases, Infuriate Them By Locking Down Again

The Onion

Supply Chain Breakdown Forces Ford To Leave Millions Of F-150s Rotting On Vine

The Onion

If Woman Makes It Through This, She Finally Going To Wear Hat In Public

The Onion

It Starting To Become Pretty Clear Just How Much Cruises Were The Bedrock Of Parents’ Marriage

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Shortage Of Supplies Forces Surgeon To Wear Boxing Gloves For Operation

The Onion

Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To Make Him Productive

The Onion

Shaggy, Curly-Nailed Georgia Governor Urges Salons To Reopen

The Onion

Lower Smog Levels Revealing Poorly Rendered Parts Of California

The Onion

Potentially Promising Covid-19 Vaccine Hits Roadblock After Testing Reveals It’s Just Shotgun

The Onion

Report: Jogger Brushing Past You On Street Yesterday All It Took

The Onion

‘A Dash Of Soap Bubbles, 2 Pinches Of Sunshine, And Just A Drop Of Imagination’ Says Top Hat-Wearing Trump Pouring Ingredients Into Fizzing Concoction

The Onion

A Well-Deserved Break: This ER Nurse Just Finished A 15-Hour Shift And Is About To Get Destroyed In ‘Call Of Duty: Warzone’

The Onion

Trump Accuses New York Of Padding State’s Mortality Rate By Including African American Deaths

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Teleconferencing Pastor Requests Any Worshipper Currently Speaking In Tongues Go On Mute

The Onion

Millions Of Texans Pop Out Of Barrels To Engage In Shootout After Governor Announces Reopening Of State

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Undaunted Texas Waffle House Waitress Has Been Expecting To Die There Every Day For The Past 20 Years Anyway

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Woman In Studio Apartment Jealously Watches Woman Standing On Balcony Jealously Watching Woman Relaxing In Yard

The Onion

Thousands Of Pigs, Cattle Across Nation Stage Walkout Strike Following Trump’s Demands To Keep Meat Plants Open

The Onion

Exhausted Parents Struggling To Limit Child’s Time Using Gun

The Onion

Man In Quarantine Can’t Remember How Long It’s Been Since He Danced Through Town Square Followed By Big Chorus Of Friendly Locals

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Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret

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Hospital Room Admittedly Nice Change Of Scenery

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Man Not Sure He Can Take Another 6 Weeks Of Barely Following CDC Guidelines

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Elena Kagan Mutes Microphone So She Can Listen To Supreme Court Arguments While Washing Dishes

The Onion

Trump Blames China For Acting Too Late In Coordinating U.S. Coronavirus Response

The Onion

Camouflage-Wearing Protesters Pose With Virus They Caught

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Bride Only One Not Relieved About Postponed Wedding Date

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Immune System Bored Too

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Conservative Militia Group Prepares For Societal Collapse By Training As Hairstylists, Nail Technicians

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New York City Shuts Down Subway Overnight To Disinfect Rats

The Onion

Rich College Student Trying To Find Shabbiest Angle In Parents’ Penthouse To Zoom Into Class From

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‘Light ’Em Up, Boys!’ Shouts Gun-Toting CDC Grunt After Hundreds Of Baby Coronaviruses Burst Out Of Pulsating Nest

The Onion

NYPD Officer Hopes Black Teen Only Coughing Because He Just Choked Him

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Man Can’t Wait For Quarantine To End So He Can Finally Take Shower Again

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Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America’s Race-Muddled Gene Pool

The Onion

‘God Bless Our Heroes!’ Written Where Tip Should Be

The Onion

Stephen Miller Reassures Sick Wife He Knows What It Looks Like When Woman Dying

The Onion

Coronavirus Assumed White House Would Be Bigger In Person

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Prize Hog Doesn’t Know How She Can Retain Competition-Ready Body For Another Year

The Onion

Nurse Wearing Snoopy Scrubs, Floral Face Mask To Work Must Think Pandemic Some Kind Of Joke

The Onion

U.S. Economists Predict Endless, Mandelbrot-Shaped Recovery

The Onion

Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters

The Onion

Helpful HR Email Offers Employees Tips For Ignoring Mental Health

The Onion

So-Called Hero Puts Eggs At Bottom Of Grocery Bag

The Onion

Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job

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Rapid Drop In Greenhouse Gas Emissions Causes Planet To Freeze Over

The Onion

Conversation-Starved Man Finally Treating Bumping Into Coworker As Exquisite Treasure It Truly Is

The Onion

Unclear Why Only One Half Of Couple Wearing Mask

The Onion

Trump Orders CDC To Research His Investment Portfolio For Potential Coronavirus Cures

The Onion

FiveThirtyEight Releases New Analytics Model Predicting Who Coronavirus Will Vote For

The Onion

Frustrated CEO Admits Pfizer Discovered Coronavirus Vaccine Months Ago But Still Can’t Agree On Ad Campaign

The Onion

Xi Jinping Warns Of Second Coronavirus Wave Likely To Disappear Thousands Of Hong Kong Residents

The Onion

Tyson Promises Meatpackers Who Die From Coronavirus Will Not Go To Waste

The Onion

Trump: ‘Even One Death That Makes Me Look Bad Is A Tragedy’

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Woman Knows Current Hardships Just Preparing Her To One Day Give Up Completely

The Onion

Inspirational ‘Hang In There’ Chalk Message The Thing That Finally Breaks Entire Neighborhood

The Onion

WHO Warns Covid-19 Could Mean End To Blowing Water Through Pool Noodle Into Friends’ Faces

The Onion

White House Press Secretary: ‘Trump’s Critics Will Seize On Any Six-Figure Death Toll That Suits Their Narrative’

The Onion

Miami Mayor Suggests Citizens May Be Able To Resume Grinding On Each Other By July 1

The Onion

Family Left Elderly Grandmother To Die In Nursing Home But Not Like This

The Onion

Woman Begins Defeated Slog Back Upstairs To Apartment To Retrieve Forgotten Mask

The Onion

WHO Walks Back Claim That Covid-19 Can Only Be Transmitted Through Locking Eyes With One True Love

The Onion

City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over

The Onion

Over 500,000 Americans Sign Petition Demanding End To Coronavirus

The Onion

Disgusted Patio Diner Pretty Sure She Just Saw Coronavirus Scurry Into Bushes

The Onion

‘And What Do We Want To Do About This Nest Full Of Baby Sparrows?’ Asks Barber Giving Man His First Haircut In 6 Months

The Onion

Heavily Armed Self-Help Gurus Demand America Reopens Their Hearts

The Onion

Defiant Florida Officials Announce They Will Ignore Saudi Government Lockdown By Holding Hajj To Mecca

The Onion

AMC Unveils Covid-19 Guidelines Requiring All Movie Characters To Wear Masks

The Onion

Researchers Warn Coronavirus May Use Propeller Hat To Stay Airborne

The Onion

Dumbass Dog Wearing Face Mask All Wrong

The Onion

Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience

The Onion

Texan Man Outfits Face Mask With Exhaust Pipe To Roll Coal

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Teen Who Died From Coronavirus Probably Had Undiagnosed Old Age

The Onion

Trump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths

The Onion

Woman Was Obviously In Middle Of Haircut When California Locked Down Again

The Onion

New Report Links Nationwide Decline In Mental Health To Not Being Able To Eat Inside Hard Rock Cafe

The Onion

California Granting Bar-Closing Exemptions To Shithole Dives That Just Have 3 Old Guys Who’ll Be Dead Soon Anyway

Full story.

The Onion

Panicked Officials Agree To Reopen Gyms After Disastrous 85% Drop In Nation’s Chiseled Studs

The Onion

Teacher Wonders If Outer Space Or Ocean Better Theme For Bulletin Board Listing Coronavirus Rules

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New Congressional Stimulus Would Provide National Tip Jar For All Americans Making Under $40,000

The Onion

Desperate CDC Now Just Claiming Wearing A Mask Will Make You Rich And Famous Beyond Wildest Dreams

The Onion

‘It Wasn’t The First Birthday We Imagined, But We Spent The Day Surrounded By Love,’ Begins Elegant Tapestry Of Fabricated Embellishments

The Onion

ICUs Reach Breaking Point As Nation Hits 4 Million Coronavirus Hoaxes

The Onion

Respectful Jogger Yells ‘Move Or I Could Kill You’ As They Run Past

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Irresponsible Man Not Even Doing Part To Develop Coronavirus Vaccine

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More Cities Offering Drive-Thru Covid Injection Sites To Put Citizens Out Of Misery

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L.A. Designates Open-Air Dining Areas Along 101 Freeway Median

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Area Man Will Always Remember This As The Summer He Lived Life Normally And Everyone Was Mad At Him

The Onion

Billboard Still Touting March 20 Premiere For ‘A Quiet Place Part II’ What Finally Drives Home How Much Man Has Lost In Pandemic

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Brian Kemp Pushes Against Coronavirus Restrictions By Moving All Government Business To Packed Indoor Pool

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Congress Approves Defense Relief Funding For Americans To Receive Stimulus Aircraft Carrier

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Knowledge That It Could Kill Him Actually Making Man Appreciate Day At Disney World A Lot More

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Ron DeSantis Cuts Phone Line Outside Nursing Home So No One Can Report Coronavirus Data

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Kid With Coronavirus Gets Classmates To Sign His Lungs

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Dow Skyrockets After Coronavirus Begins Trading On New York Stock Exchange

The Onion

Local School District To Require Students To Attend Online Classes At Massive, Open-Concept Computer Lab

The Onion

‘Damn You’ Shouts Contact Tracer Losing Track Of Coronavirus After It Catches Hold Of Helicopter’s Ladder

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High School Adds Cardboard Students Between Distanced Desks To Maintain Normal Feeling Of Oversized Classes

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Frat President Chews Out Brothers Infected With Covid-19 For Not Sanitizing Balls Before Teabagging Pledges

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Fox News Limits Pandemic Coverage To Avoid Giving Coronavirus Notoriety It Craves

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Scientists Confirm Sturgis Motorcycle Rally Spread Covid After Discovering Virus Particles With Matching Tattoos

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FDA Promises To Fast-Track Cure For Side Effects Of Fast-Tracked Covid Vaccine

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‘Tell The World I Also Had Asthma,’ Conservative Begs Doctor Before Dying Of Coronavirus

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Public Health Experts Claim It’s Safe To Reopen Weird Little Private Schools Where They Have Class In Barn

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CDC Ordered To Incinerate Screaming, Boil-Riddled Test Subjects Before Releasing Vaccine Widely

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Defensive Bob Woodward Claims He Withheld Interview Since Journalism Hasn’t Worked On Trump So Far

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Small Town Relieved All Their Beloved Local Businesses Already Forced To Close Down Before Coronavirus Hit

The Onion

Couple Thankfully Not Well-Liked Enough To Have Superspreader Wedding

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White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

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Man Feels Like He Can’t Breathe With Mask Wadded Up In Mouth

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CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It

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‘I Can’t Wait For Things To Get Back To Normal,’ Says Woman Spending Friday Night Dining With Friends In Crowded Indoor Restaurant

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‘I Don’t Care How You Feel, Get Your Ass Outside And Put Up The Halloween Decorations,’ Trump Screams At First Lady

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Rudy Giuliani Tests Positive For Slew Of Obscure Bat Diseases Unrelated To Covid-19

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Hope Hicks Exhausted After Another Day Packed Full Of Meetings

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Trump Supporters Fighting Over Used Tissues President Tossed From SUV

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Doctors Concerned President Administering Own Care After Noticing Trepanation Holes In Trump’s Skull

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Covid-Sniffing Dog Not Sure How To Tell Woman She Also Smells Pregnant

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John Bolton Seething With Jealousy After Trump Gets To Become Living Biological Weapon

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White House Staff Heartbroken By Sight Of Weak Trump Struggling To Yell Racial Slurs At TV

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Trump Attempts To Pivot Narrative Away From Coronavirus Controversy By Molesting Child Of Fallen Soldier

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Infected White House Groundskeeper Thrown Into Propeller Of Marine One

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Trump Family To Halt Big Bath They All Take Together Every Night During President’s Quarantine

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South Carolina Protecting Voters From Covid-19 By Erecting Plexiglass Barrier Around Entire Urban Polling Place

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Preschool Teacher Just Going To Assume Kid Whose Mic Cut Out Finished Counting To 10 Correctly

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Therapist Knows This Whole Goddamn Gravy Train Of Clients Ends Second Vaccine Announced

The Onion

New Stimulus Bill Would Require All Americans To Mail Government $1,200 Check

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New Covid Cases Continue To Soar Even Though Todd Peters Of Scottsdale, AZ Said It Would Be Over By Now

The Onion

Experts Predict Covid-19 Vaccine Could Be Ready As Soon As Team Of Sled Dogs Traverse Yukon With It

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Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus

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Pfizer Announces First Batch Of Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Collector’s Edition Limited To 2,000 Doses

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