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Area Man Didn’t Know Restaurant Had Upstairs
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Man Who Likes To Move It, Move It Still Searching For Perfect Song
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Angry Geese Led On Wild Jeff Chase
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Telescope Used To Observe Origins Of Human Life
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Store Closing In Like 5 Minutes, Reports Employee With Unlit Cigarette In Mouth
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Artist Overappreciated In His Lifetime
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Nervous Realtor Throws In Second House
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Tree Planted In Man’s Name 9 Years Ago Shows Up At Doorstep
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138 Dead As Loud Sneeze Startles NRA Meeting
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Better Looking Couple In Commercial Uses Correct Phone Company
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Imaginary Friend Sure Knows A Lot About Burning Down Homes
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Area Man Asked For Opinion Out Of Pity
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Glider Crash Quietly Kills 2
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Aunt Wants Picture Of Cake
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Copy Of Key To City Made For Girlfriend
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Complaint About Food Prefaced By Exoneration Of Waitress
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Area Foot Finds Nice Cool Spot In Bed
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Attempt To Spell ‘Mayonnaise’ Devolving With Every Effort
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Turkey Gobbles Just As Man On Hunting Trip Tells Father He’s Gay
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Local Man Not Sure Who To Take From Prom This Year
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Yorgos Lanthimos Figures He 3 Films Away From Hanging With Emma Stone Outside Work
ATHENS, GREECE—Longing for the day they might cross the threshold from work friends to real friends, director Yorgos Lanthimos reportedly…
Former Print Exclusives
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Study: Majority Of Billionaires Consider Selves Middle Class
ST. PAUL, MN—In a comprehensive new survey of how the wealthy view their socioeconomic status, a study published this week…
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In Other News
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Perdue Pledges To Plant One Chicken For Every Chicken Sold
SALISBURY, MD—Saying the company maintained a strong commitment to sustainable agricultural practices, poultry processing conglomerate Perdue Farms pledged Tuesday to…
Politics
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Group Of Teen Girls Convinces JD Vance To Kill Himself
WASHINGTON—Lighting up his phone night and day with their cruel taunts, a group of teenage girls reportedly convinced Vice President…
Local
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Grandma’s Hospice Has Shitty Wi-Fi
LAKELAND, FL—Frustrated by the care center’s lack of an adequate signal, Caleb Morris, grandson of local woman Judith Scalzo, complained…
Sports
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