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Orphan Can’t Take A Joke
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Five-Dollar Bill In Guitar Case Not Fooling Anyone
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President Lincoln Sick Of Time Travelers
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Bicep Felt On Demand
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Wax Head Hastily Reattached By Night Janitor
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Fat Kid Calls Shirts
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Man Unwilling To Discuss Lifetime Denny’s Ban
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Sweatpants-Wearing Man Needs Rolling Papers
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Ten Pounds Of Phlegm Audibly Rearranged In Burger King Customer’s Chest
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TV Muted While Neighbors Fight
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Dildo Washed
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Four-Year-Old Dressed Nicer Than Local Man
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Third Shoe Somehow Drops
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Black Shopper Repeatedly Asked If He Works There
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Roof Accessed
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Cliffs Notes Skimmed
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Sweat Dribbling Into Stew
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Man Waxes Patriotic, Truck
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Coupon Clipper Expires
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Occasion Special Enough
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Chicago ICE Raids By The Numbers
The Department of Homeland Security has been carrying out “Operation Midway Blitz” since early September.…
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In Other News
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Area Man Afraid Some Woman Might Come Out Of The Woodwork To Hold Him Accountable For Something
CHICAGO—Worrying that he could be caught off guard anywhere, at any time, area man Dan…
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Local
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Parents Feuding With At Least One Aunt At All Times
CHICOPEE, MA—Saying that she couldn’t recall a time of familial peace since the early ’90s, area woman Melissa Maynard confirmed…
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