-
Terrible Father Gets That Promotion
-
Horny Man Not Even Going To Inflate Her All The Way
-
Mental Note Made To Sweep Up Toenails
-
Man Delivering Baby In Taxi Decides To Go For Emergency C-Section
-
Area Man Still Talking About That One Time He Had To Take The Bus
-
Girlfriend Promises To Not Cry So Much
-
Man Not Really Mirrorgenic
-
Hug Waved Off
-
Worried Perfectionist Reassured By Lazy Slob
-
Lunch Takes Care Of Friendship For A While
-
Bluegrass Quartet Under Impression It Adding To Farmers Market
-
Slaughterhouse Worker Told To Stop Naming Them
-
Chip Off The Old Block Takes A Swing At Mom
-
There’s More Ginger Ale In The Garage, Grandpa Reports
-
Girl You’re Hitting On Just Asked About Your Friend For Second Time
-
Jar Of Change On Dresser Sadly Factoring Into A Number Of Financial Decisions
-
Slower Clock Believed
-
Dead CEO Remembered As Driven Everywhere
-
Harley-Davidson, Jack Daniels To Collaborate On Felony
-
Perspiring Man Welcomes Convention Center Audience To Future Of Sheet Metal
-
RFK Jr. Recommends Eating Good Cancer To Kill The Bad Cancer
WASHINGTON—Suggesting an unorthodox alternative to standard oncological treatments, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued recommendations Friday…
Become a Member. Get the Paper.
Recent Videos
The Onion: Sending Emails For Over A Hundred Years.
Get All The Latest Headlines By Email, Once A Day.
In Other News
-
Woman’s Guilty Pleasure Just Sitting On Couch With Pint Of Ice Cream And Watching Man Shackled To Radiator Plead For Mercy
PLANO, TX—Explaining that she goes to great lengths to make self-care a priority, marketing coordinator Cassie Strickland divulged Thursday that…
Politics
-
RFK Jr. Recommends Eating Good Cancer To Kill The Bad Cancer
WASHINGTON—Suggesting an unorthodox alternative to standard oncological treatments, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. issued recommendations Friday…
Local
-
Restless Billionaire Regrets Having Infusion Of Child’s Blood After 4 P.M.
SAN FRANCISCO—Kicking himself for having made such a foolish error in judgment, restless tech billionaire Jasper Stroud expressed regret Friday…
Sports
Entertainment
Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault
Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.
