• Couple Imagines Each Other To Prolong Sex

  • Girls Are Bustier Than Ever, Reports Uncle At High School Graduation Party

  • Laid Back Ant Colony Refers To Queen As ‘Judy’

  • Grave Digger Is Perhaps The Most Influential Monster Truck Of All Time,’ Begins C- Essay

  • No Stopping Back Sweat Now

  • Landlord Has Person Of Same Ethnicity Who Helps Him

  • Prom Queen Called To Dance Floor For First Slow Dance With Principal

  • Underside Of Arby’s Table Nearly Touched

  • Three-Year-Old Announces Plan To Point Out Fat People All Day

  • Intern Off To A Weird Start

  • Ex-Girlfriend Busy, But Good

  • Fuck That, Mutters Man Exhaling Smoke Through Nose

  • Bride’s Nose Just Starts Gushing Blood All Over The Place Right In The Middle Of Vows

  • Substitute Teacher Just Needs To Make It To Car Before Breaking Down In Tears

  • Dental Hygienist Digs A Little Harder Every Time She Mentions Husband

  • Area Woman Gives Hug Where She Squeezes Arm At End

  • Public Bathroom’s Condition Why World’s Problems Are Unfixable

  • Sweating Heap Of Processed Foods Makes Love To Woman

  • Backpack Of Fun Activities Packed For Work

  • Ballpoint Pen Field-Stripped, Reassembled


The Onion: Sending Emails For Over A Hundred Years.

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  • God Admits Heaven Was Way Cooler In The ’70s