• Sexual Harassment Policy Masturbated To

  • Area Woman Eats Everything Out Of Huge Mug

  • Excel Spreadsheet A Veritable Database Of Wasted Time

  • Area Woman’s Opinions Mostly Those Of Hairstylist

  • Children Told To Give Dog Extra Hug Before He Goes To Vet

  • Allergies Prevent Man From Enjoying Dust

  • Wedding Ring Taken Off For Reception

  • Child Prodigy Becomes Adult Guy-Who’s-Pretty-Good-At-The-Banjo

  • Terrifying Sea Monster Turns Out To Be Even More Terrifying Amphibious Monster

  • Country Mouse, City Mouse Devour Face Of Homeless Corpse

  • Animal Comes In Fun Animal Shape

  • History Sighs, Repeats Itself

  • Opportunist Knocks

  • Grandma Had Another Fall, Grandpa Reports

  • Drummer Forced To Retrieve Sticks From Audience For Encore

  • Catholic Church Quietly Re-condemns Galileo

  • Bystander Stops To Watch Incompetent Parallel-Park Job

  • Greasy Spoon Has Crusty Forks

  • Thumb War Senseless

  • Recently Discovered Egyptian Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies


  • No One Sure Why Kristi Noem Wearing Firefighter Helmet, Night-Vision Goggles, High Heels, Wet Suit

The Onion: Sending Emails For Over A Hundred Years.

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  • FBI Warns Of ‘American Dream’ Scam



Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.