Americans Urged To Stockpile Loved Ones Ahead Of Coronavirus Outbreaks

ATLANTA—Acknowledging there was already a concerning scarcity before the epidemic reached U.S. shores, officials from the Centers for Disease Control urged Americans Tuesday to stockpile loved ones ahead of imminent nationwide coronavirus outbreaks. “With cases of COVID-19 now confirmed in 15 states, we are advising all citizens to begin stocking up on cherished family members and friends immediately,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield, warning that the rapidly spreading, highly contagious respiratory disease could lead to a shortfall of lovers, confidantes, significant others, and favorite relatives not seen in more than a century. “We anticipate diminished supplies of loved ones as the outbreaks increase, so please, before it’s too late, make sure you are maintaining an adequate reserve of people you really and truly care about in this world. Also, if you have any dearly beloved grandparents, put them somewhere safe, as our data indicate they will, as always, be the first to go.” Redfield added that if available quantities of loved ones reached critically low levels, the CDC was prepared to order the rationing of companions, both intimate and merely friendly, amongst the American populace at large.