The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 9, 2020

Published:

March 9, 2020

Weighted Blanket Sure To Succeed Where CBD, Salt Lamp, Oil Diffuser, Acupressure Mat, Bath Bombs, And White Noise Machine Failed

Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years

Buttigieg Drops Out Of Democratic Race After Slamming Own Plan To Be President As ‘Naive, Unrealistic Pipe Dream’

Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film

Building Self-Conscious About Patch Of Discolored Bricks

Olive Garden Unveils New All-You-Can-Eat Assisted Suicide Dinners For Terminally Ill Customers

Depressed Mom Can’t Even Enjoy Adult Son’s New Haircut

Eukaryote Traumatized After Accidentally Witnessing Parent Cell Undergo Mitosis

‘I’m Proud To Endorse Biden And So Are All Of You,’ Announces Pipe-Waving Amy Klobuchar

Man Commits To Being Overly Nice For Next 45 Minutes To Friend He Just Snapped At

Report: More Americans Opting To Cut Cord By Building, Launching Own Satellite Into Orbit

New Neutrogena Deep Cleanse Just 130-Pound Chimp That Rips Your Face Off

Baby Totally Strung Out On Attention

Biden Confident After Spending Super Tuesday Stumping Across Iowa

Panicked WHO Officials Not Sure How To Respond After Coronavirus Brings 12 People Back To Life

Last-Minute Change To Super Tuesday Primary Rules Requires All 14 States To Vote At Same Polling Place

Snack Industry Runs Out Of Ways To Escalate The Word ‘Cheese’

Americans Urged To Stockpile Loved Ones Ahead Of Coronavirus Outbreaks

God Happens Upon Tribe Of Primitive, Sky-Worshipping Angels In Previously Uncontacted Region Of Heaven

Area Man Unaware Lifelong Aerosmith Fandom Caused By Early Imprinting Of Steven Tyler As Father Figure

Woman Braces Self As Documentary Shows Sea Lions Happily Swimming Near Shoreline

Biden Says Incredible Comeback Proves He Can Beat Progressive Democrat In A General Election

Frustrated Bloomberg Staffer Literally Just Aborted Fetus For This Job

Closet With The Luggage All Fucked Up

Sanders Supporter Urges Importance Of Listening To Minority Voices Just Not Specifically The Ones Who Handed Victory To Biden

Elderly Woman Wheeling Oxygen Tank Takes Over Bus’ Priority Seating Like Most Feared Inmate On Prison Yard

Man Loses Control Of Stretch

Serial Killer Nostalgic For Bygone Days When He Could Still Get Excited By Something As Simple As Setting A Dog On Fire

WHO Warns Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time

Biden Wondering Where All This Support Was When He Still Had Functioning Brain

Vindictive Amy Klobuchar Elected Mayor Of South Bend, Indiana

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

Restaurant Expensive Enough That Menu Just Single Sheet Of Really Nice Paper

‘We Have Coronavirus Under Control,’ Announces CDC Director As Nose Slowly Transforms Into Pangolin Snout

Biden Defends Past Inappropriate Touching Of Women As Symptom Of Stuttering Hands

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Flirting With 67-Year-Old Intern Again

Man Who’s Really Excited To One Day Have Children Must Be Pedophile

Study Links High Standardized Test Scores To Being 45-Year-Old Man In Propeller Hat Pretending To Be Fifth-Grader

Man Talking Big Game About Having Shroom Hookup Folds Almost Immediately Under Pressure

Smithsonian Apologizes For Fraudulent ‘Treasures Of Obama’s Tomb’ Exhibit

Bat Scientists Urge Colony To Reduce Spread Of Coronavirus By Sneezing Into Wing

73-Year-Old Billie Eilish Breaks Silence To Discuss Ravages Of Fame In Interview From Hermetically Sealed Mansion

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