Woman Braces Self As Documentary Shows Sea Lions Happily Swimming Near Shoreline

BULLHEAD CITY, AZ—Wincing while reaching for the remote control, area woman Leigh Cortez braced herself Wednesday as the documentary she was watching panned in on a group of sea lions swimming near the shoreline. “Oh no, it’s a bunch of baby sea lions splashing around the ocean with their moms, so I know something super messed up is about to happen,” said Cortez, digging her nails into the couch cushion as the show’s music shifted and the camera zoomed in on a large male sea lion perking up his ear flaps. “It started so peacefully with the whole colony sunning themselves on the beach, but they keep cutting to the surf so I know a bunch of orcas or a shark or some shit is about to go hog wild on these sea lions. I should have bailed when David Attenborough dropped his voice and uttered, ‘Swimming is good fun, but the water is not a safe place for young pups.’ That cute little one trailing behind the others clearly doesn’t know what’s coming. He’s toast.” Cortez told reporters that she planned to watch the documentary’s upcoming scene involving a lizard fighting a snake because she “doesn’t give a fuck about reptiles.”