New Neutrogena Deep Cleanse Just 130-Pound Chimp That Rips Your Face Off

LOS ANGELES—Touting the new beauty regimen’s fast-acting, long-lasting effects, Neutrogena released a new deep-cleansing dermal kit Tuesday that’s just a 130-pound common chimpanzee, which combats the buildup of oil, grime, and dead cells in skin by ripping your face clean off. “The exfoliating tool at the heart of our latest skincare kit, the most effective yet for eliminating blackheads and other facial blemishes, is an all-organic West African chimpanzee and a pointed fair-trade eucalyptus stick to poke him with in order to make him face-ripping angry,” said Neutrogena spokesperson Kiersten Guthrie, noting that the great ape’s razor-sharp canine teeth can cleanly remove up to three layers of damaged skin from a human skull in less than five seconds. “Once the chimpanzee has been enraged, he will signify the beginning of the skin-care regimen by letting loose several terrifying screams, after which he will aggressively go to work on your face’s problem areas by clawing off your epidermis. And the whole apparatus is easily and cheaply recharged with commercially available bananas.” Neutrogena’s advanced maintenance kit, which contains a bullwhip, a tranquilizer gun, and a net, will be sold separately.