Vol 43: Issue 29

Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Area Teen Has Better Things To Do Than Kick Your Ass
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Doctor Unable To Hide Excitement From Patient With Rare Disease
American Voices, Opinion

Whole Foods CEO Under Inquiry
Entertainment, Magazine

Mars: Might It Be Haunted?
Local

Murder Mystery On Train Not So Fun In Real Life
News, News In Brief

Sources: Barista Not Actually Flirting With You
Our Dumb Century, Politics

July 20, 1985
Sports

While Clearing Out Desk, Dan Patrick Sobs Over Picture Of Him And Tim Kurkjian
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Miter Saw Not Bringing In Pussy Like Home Depot Guy Said It Would
Sports

Shane Victorino Really Thought Phillies Could Avoid 10,000th Loss
Sports

Overweight Cyclist Walking His Bike For Rest Of Tour De France
News, News In Brief

AMA: Plastic Surgery 'Only A Few Years Away' From Making Someone Look Better
Sports

Authorities Discover Illegal Frog-Jumping Ring In Eli Manning's Backyard
Sports

Surviving The Summer Sports Doldrums
Sports

Joe DiMaggio's Diary Just A List Of Things, People He Hated
American Voices, Opinion

Wal-Mart Stocks Christian Toys
Sports

On Alex Rodriguez Refusing To Negotiate A Contract Extension During The Season

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Explore More

Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.