Victorious Senator Vows To Still Fight For Billionaires Who Didn’t Funnel Dark Money Into Campaign

MOCKSVILLE, NC—Pledging that he would work to unite rather than divide following his election victory, Senator-elect Ted Budd (R-NC) vowed Wednesday to still fight for billionaires who didn’t funnel dark money into his campaign. “I want to thank all the ultra-wealthy people who did help me win by donating through a series of opaque political action committees and shadowy advocacy groups, but even if you’re a billionaire or a multimillionaire who didn’t, I promise to pursue your interests while in office anyway,” said Budd, who took in millions from billionaire-funded super PACs in this election cycle and remarked in his victory speech that he hoped the nation’s wealthy elite who shape political campaigns realized they had more things uniting them than dividing them. “I understand that some of the billionaires watching this funneled millions of dollars to my opponent, but today I hope you understand that I am here for the well-being of all titans of industry, executives of major companies, and other influential wealthy figures, not just those whose unregulated special-interest groups won me this election today. As your senator, I hope to earn your trust and, eventually, your dark money.” At press time, Budd promised that regardless of political affiliation, his door was always open to anyone with a net worth over $500 million.