Nation’s Midsize Cities Announce They Have No Idea Who Their Mayor Is
OMAHA, NE—Standing tall as they proclaimed their ignorance and confusion, citizens of the nation’s midsize cities announced Thursday that they have no idea who their mayor is.
Researchers Predict First Person To Live To 150 Already Out There, Preying On Young Souls For Their Life Force
NEW YORK—In a major milestone for the field of longevity medicine, researchers at Columbia University’s Robert N. Butler Aging Center predicted Thursday that the first person to live to 150 years old was already out there, stalking the night and preying on young souls for their life force.
Dentist Hurt That Someone Would Deface Magazine Cover Model’s Smile Here Of All Places
MOUNT PROSPECT, IL—Picking up the waiting room periodical with a pained look on her face, local dentist Dr. Leigh Grace reported feeling hurt Thursday that someone would deface the teeth of a magazine cover model here, in her office, of all places.
Americans Explain Why The Military Is Too Woke
Many believe that a once-strong military composed of straight white men has become weak due to a liberal obsession with inclusion. The Onion asked Americans to explain why the U.S. military is too woke, and this is what they said.
NextDoor User Comes Right Out And Asks If It Okay To Set Homeless Man On Fire
LOS ANGELES—In a post to the app that garnered dozens of likes, local NextDoor user Janine Parry reportedly came right out and asked this week if it was okay to set a homeless man on fire.
