After about one month of dating, Taylor Swift and English singer-songwriter Matt Healy have officially called it quits. The Onion asked Swifties how they felt about the artist’s latest high-profile breakup, and this is what they said.
Charles Russo
“She deserves better as a pure Aryan goddess!”
Lila Thomas, Receptionist
“I’m just happy to see Taylor can finally find a new elaborately choreographed media-enticing talking point to promote.”
Ross MacDonald, Bassist
“As a member of the 1975, I should probably know who that is.”
Eleanor Gateau, Retiree
“Maybe if she’d date a nice normal boy like my grandson, she wouldn’t need to keep making music and could finally be a wife.”
Sharon Finley, Novelist
“I hope this breakup isn’t as ugly as when she dated Abe Vigoda.”
Kathy Curtis, Financial Analyst
“It’s my job to give her all my money, not my opinion.”
Madison Park, Florist
“I dated both of them individually for seven years, so it’s a little hard to see their names in the news.”
Max Bowen, Chef
“I don’t really care about celebrity relationships. I’m more into the clandestine romantic trysts of amateur blacksmiths.”
Caroline Hoffman, Bank Teller
“It was sad to see Taylor debase her pure Germanic blood with someone of swarthy Celtic complexion.”
Aaron Chang, Dermatologist
“I assume they broke up because she finally read the poem I carved into my chest.”
Emily Sweat, Teacher
“Eventually she will date every living white man on the planet, so I don’t see the point in freaking out about this particular one.”
Lydia Winter, Bartender
“Whatever makes her happy and then sad again.”
Neve Long, National Swifties Chair
“I really don’t think it’s any of my business how she lives her personal life.”
Hannah Arnold, Graphic Designer
“She can date whomever she wants as long as it makes her and me happy.”
Hugo Caldwell, Administrative Assistant
“Good, I was ready for her to get hurt again.”
Chad Lopez, Welder
“This was all obviously just a publicity stunt to try and sell fewer tickets.”
Rick Peters, Welder
“Please stop trying to get me to listen to the 1975.”
Kelsey Johnson, Publicist
“It was just nice to see a Nazi date someone with blond hair and blue eyes for once.”
