Vol 44: Issue 45

Politics

Politics 2008 In Review
Entertainment

The Animal Kingdom
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Area Man Traces Bad Eating Habits Back 6 Generations
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Romantic Hostage Negotiator Offers Bank Robbers Moon And Stars
Local

Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

God Returns From 2-Millennium-Long Vacation
Oi! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!
Local

Circular Editor Makes Last-Minute Call To Run Fabric Softener As Top Coupon
Dispatch, News

Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List
Entertainment, Magazine

This Man Will Stop At Nothing To Teach You Guitar
Entertainment

'Jurassic Park' Author Dies
Onion Public Radio, Podcasts

Dead Whale Buried In Aquarium's Backyard
Entertainment

As An Older World's Strongest Man, There Are Certain Trucks I Can't Pull Anymore
Commentary, Opinion

Who's Gonna Hallo-wean My Kids Off All This Candy?
American Voices, Opinion

Study: Autism Linked To Rainfall
Sports

Kobe Bryant Scores 25 In Holy Shit We Elected A Black President
Sports

Perkins Management Disappointed To See Daunte Culpepper Leave So Soon

Unlock ‘The Onion’ Vault

Journey through 268 years of highly acclaimed, universally revered reporting. The Onion‘s archives comprise the most powerful and influential news coverage in human history.

Explore More

Historical front pages from The Onion's historical archive.