Report Finds It Impossible To Save Money

BOULDER, CO—Noting that there was way too much stuff out there to buy, a report released Monday by researchers at the University of Colorado found that it was completely impossible to save money. “According to our data, any attempt to save your money is pointless,” said lead author Dr. David Wint, who found that of all saving methods from bank accounts, piggy banks, stuffing money under a mattress, or burying it in the yard, none of them stopped the cash from being spent. “The amount of money you see in your savings account might go up somewhat for a little while, but it will always fall back down in no time flat. However, in general, it’s essentially hopeless to assume that you would even have enough extra cash to deposit any money in the first place.” At press time, Wint assured those wanting more money that it was incredibly easy to rack up debt instead.