High school seniors across the country are currently weighing their options when it comes to applying for colleges, choosing between smaller, selective private schools or larger, state-funded public ones. Here are the arguments for attending each:
PUBLIC
With public universities so overcrowded, you’ll find plenty of friends
Quickest way to owe state of Indiana $60,000
Easier application process, which is probably what you should be deciding your future based on
One of the additional 25,000 people within the same square mile bound to have notes from previous lecture
You’ll meet plenty of exotic students from all over your home state
Can easily donate to your alma mater by paying taxes
MSU was good enough for your father; it’ll be good enough for you
PRIVATE
Larger endowment to be poured into covering up sexual assault cases
Easier to tell the difference between townies and students
More prestigious name to impress your bankruptcy attorney with
Average private school degree opens up 16.3 more doors over lifetime
Close-knit community of students will allow you to feel more guilt when friendships slowly fall apart after graduation
Greater chance rapist will go on to be influential politician or captain of industry
Four more years spent operating under intoxicating delusion that you are unique
