McConnell Reclaims Senate Majority After Convincing Dianne Feinstein She’s Always Been Republican

WASHINGTON—Flipping the powerful legislative body back in his party’s favor, Sen. Mitch McConnell reclaimed the Senate majority Monday after convincing Sen. Dianne Feinstein that she had always been a Republican. “I am once again proud to be the Senate majority leader and to head a caucus that includes my longtime Republican colleague Sen. Feinstein—isn’t that right, Dianne?” said McConnell, nudging the 89-year-old Feinstein with his elbow until she repeated after him that California had never, ever been a blue state and that she remained proud to serve her constituents as a member of the GOP. “You and me, we’ve been voting pretty much the same way for decades, right? Right? Remember the crime bill in ’94? Dianne here started off as a Goldwater Republican, then steadily matured into an evangelical theocrat, and actually was among the first senators to endorse Donald Trump for president—or at least that’s what she told me earlier, didn’t you? That’s right, you did. I remember, because it was right after you told me how you voted Democrat once or twice in the ’60s but quickly corrected course in time to wholeheartedly support the Nixon administration. Anyway, looks like I’m in charge again.” At press time, McConnell was seen guiding a pen in Feinstein’s hand to sign a bill completely obliterating the right for women to vote.