Lowly 9-Year-Olds Gaze Longingly At Elite Few Chosen To Bowl In Birthday Boy’s Lane

BENSENVILLE, IL—Looking upon the mighty cadre of third graders in awe and reverence, a group of 9-year-old boys gazed longingly at the elite few chosen to bowl in birthday boy Brian Caldwell’s lane, sources confirmed Thursday. “They booked three whole lanes, but Tyler and Eli and Sam get to bowl with Brian,” said Simon Jennings, part of the lowly band of 9-year-olds who could only stare in wonder at the elect group from their humble spot three lanes down at Sunset Bowl, knowing they were nothing before the glorious spectacle of mirth that was one of the hallowed boys entertaining Caldwell by placing a bowling ball under his shirt and pretending to be pregnant. “We don’t get to bowl with him. I guess he told his mom that he wanted to bowl with those kids instead. Huh.” At press time, the meek boys reportedly became enraptured by questions of what distinguished acts and great deeds earned one a spot in the honored circle next to the birthday boy as pizza was served.