Justice Alito Somberly Ties Noose After Realizing He Not Mentioned In Constitution

WASHINGTON—Building upon the arguments in his draft of the majority opinion likely to overturn Roe v. Wade, Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito was said to have somberly tied a noose Tuesday after realizing he himself was not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution. “Absolutely nowhere in this nation’s foundational governing charter did the Founding Fathers set forth the right for me to draw breath,” said the associate justice, who reportedly tied a hangman’s knot into a rope and stepped on top of his desk after penning a 900-page suicide note in which he argued that if Samuel Alito was not enumerated in the Constitution, then Samuel Alito should not exist. “Just because my life has a precedent of 72 years does not mean that my existence is so sacred that it cannot be overruled. There is actually a lengthy history in the United States of my nonexistence, stretching from my birth back to 1776. In fact, none of the other Supreme Court justices are mentioned, either, so maybe I should take care of them first.” At press time, sources confirmed Alito had spiraled into a mental breakdown after realizing his suicide was also not set forth in the Constitution.