Nation Forced To Seek Human Rights From Back-Alley Supreme Court

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a leaked draft of a decision to overturn Roe v. Wade, potentially leading to abortion becoming illegal in many states, the nation was reportedly forced Tuesday to seek human rights from a back-alley Supreme Court. “Yeah, it’s not as safe and pretty dirty, but if you desperately need rights, what other choice do you have?” said Ellen Brooke, a woman who was knocking on the alley door of the secret, unregulated Supreme Court facility, to which she had been directed by a friend and where she was invited in and given a swig of vodka before the justices administered her human rights. “The fact is, if you can’t get abortions, safe asylum, or the right to privacy through the regular Supreme Court, you’re going to turn to unregulated options. It’s a little sketchy—I heard one of the justices never even went to law school, and another one is only licensed to do animal rights law—but they’re the only ones who are going to help me get rights. All I had to do was show up in the middle of the night and give them $500, and they gave me the judicial rulings I needed. It was a pretty painful way to obtain the right to equality before the law, but in a place like America, I’ll take it.” Sources confirmed that many Americans living near the border were contemplating crossing it to get human rights from a Mexican Supreme Court, while those who couldn’t travel were trying internet searches for a DIY Supreme Court that could give them human rights at home.