Just Once, Dachshund Would Love To Dress Up As Something Other Than Hot Dog

RICHMOND HEIGHTS, MO—Noting that his enthusiasm for the plush costume had started to wane over the past few years, local dachshund Toby told reporters Monday that just once, he would love to dress up as something other than a hot dog for Halloween. “There are plenty of foods I could be for Halloween—a pickle, a banana, a submarine sandwich,” said the 6-year-old canine, who expressed frustration over having to wear the same old wiener costume year after year without his owners so much as bothering to switch up the toppings on his back. “You’re saying a long-bodied dog can’t be a pumpkin? Hell, it doesn’t even have to be food. Space alien, pirate ship, cow, wizard—I could pull them all off if they’d only give me a shot. I don’t see them wearing the same costume every year. Why’s it all about my body, anyway? I’m a smart dog too, not just long. Dress me up as a doctor.” At press time, Toby’s mood had reportedly turned around after discovering a year-old stain on the costume to lick.