‘It’s Over! It’s All Over!’ Screams Ticonderoga CEO, Dousing Office In Gasoline After Announcement SAT Going Digital

LAKE MARY, FL—Climbing atop his desk and wailing in despair, Dixon Ticonderoga CEO Thomas Clark reportedly screamed, “It’s over, it’s all over!” and doused the company’s offices in gasoline following Tuesday’s announcement that the SAT would go completely digital by 2024. “Everything we’ve built over these years—everything—is gone!” shouted a visibly unhinged Clark, who emptied a gas can over his head during a chaotic scene in which dozens of executives, faced with professional ruin, threw themselves from the windows of the pencil manufacturer’s headquarters. “We tried to pretend it wasn’t happening, but deep down, we all knew this day would come. No wild ride like that could last forever. Well, I hope the world likes the smell of a million sticks of burning cedar. Light ’em up, boys!” At press time, sources confirmed that the CEO’s immolated form had been found with its eyes gouged out and a pair of soft lead No. 2 pencils protruding from its skull.