When The Onion’s editorial board convened to discuss the tumultuous events of the previous month, one conclusion became evident: The world stands at a crossroads. Two visions of our collective future stand before us: On one side is a free and enlightened society, dedicated to the principles of openness, tolerance, and debate; the other is built upon ignorance, fear, and the suppression of dissent. Today, the path forward could not be clearer.
Simply put, we need mass censorship now.
Our country was founded upon the admirable principles of a moneyed elite spoon-feeding its beliefs to the ignorant and unwashed masses, and yet today that legacy stands in tatters. For too long, our nation has tolerated the mewling and rambling of the confused public. For too long, we have watched the God-given right to suppress free speech slip away. That’s why The Onion now stands united in calling on all governments, domestic and foreign, to immediately muzzle protesters, dissidents, and citizens of all stripes who take part in the blighted pestilence on human affairs known as freedom of expression.
Time and again, history has shown us that the opinions of the masses are not only noisome, they are dangerous. The free transmission of ideas through newspapers, pamphlets, and protest has too often threatened trusted figures of strength and stability such as Joseph Stalin, Kim Il-Sung, and Idi Amin. Have we learned nothing from their example about the importance of suppressing dissent from the moronic and childlike public?
Today, the dangers of free speech could not be clearer. Indeed, a recent Onion/Zweibel poll found that 93% of Americans have “little or no idea” what they’re talking about at any one time. Yet, what actions have been taken to stem the tide of inanities and idle chatter arising from their lips? Where is Mr. Biden, with his supposed focus on American greatness, if not deploying his troops to break in doors and earn his dimwitted populace’s respect through fear and coercion? Does the commander in chief not understand that every day his own citizens openly diminish his government on social media and in internet comment sections with zero fear of consequences?
Enough is enough.
Over the coming months, the Zweibel Institute for Mass Censorship will use its considerable leverage and multi-billion-dollar budget to lobby politicians worldwide to crack down upon any and all individuals who attempts to express their beliefs in public or private. Effective immediately, we will begin advocating in the U.S. Congress for the abolishment of the First Amendment and creation of a nationwide firewall to stifle dissent. In addition, we will examine the valiant efforts to stem the flow of information seen in the regimes of President Putin and Chairman Xi, who have demonstrated how worthwhile such nationwide censorship campaigns can be in terms of taming an unruly citizenry.
Critics may question where the globe’s citizens will find the information they need if not through traditional news sources. Of course, The Onion stands at the ready to act as a mouthpiece of the world’s elite, using its distinguished reportage to parrot whatever the party line happens to be. Genocide, eugenics, incest—no topic is too taboo to find support in our paper so long as it has been approved by a trustworthy establishment. What, indeed, is the purpose of the Fourth Estate if not to shepherd the simple-minded throng into blindly following a single unquestionable narrative? To this ideal, we remain dedicated.
Tu Stultus Es.
