1951
Putin’s parents decide to try for an evil megalomaniac.
1952
Emerges from mother’s vagina as part of audacious gambit to assume complete control of Russia.
1953
Lifeless stare perfected.
1957
Learns how to ride a bike, but there’s something sinister about it.
1967
Opponent for student council treasurer suffers mysterious organ failure.
1971
Invades first-ever country as part of University-sponsored study abroad program.
1975
Graduates from Leningrad State University with a major in aggression.
1975
Begins career in government with low-level job as the KGB’s social media intern.
1977
Starts carrying saber around 24 hours a day.
1978
KGB discovers Putin has already been clandestinely working there for several years.
1987
Sets personal best dead-lift weight of 85 pounds.
1994
Tries marzipan for the first time and just really doesn’t like it.
1997-99
Serves as interim U.S. secretary of housing and urban development.
1999
Ruthlessly calls Boris Yeltsin a little pudgy doughboy who loves to stuff his face with sweets until the Russian leader resigns in tears.
2000
Putin’s election to the Russian presidency becomes landmark 1-millionth American-influenced foreign policy strategy that will eventually backfire.
2006
Another journalist decides to be murdered by the government.
2008
Dmitry Medvedev becomes president, forcing Putin to control country from prime minister’s office down the hall.
2011
Successfully arm wrestles himself in show of strength.
2013
Is awarded black belt in tae kwon do following the mysterious deaths of the martial art’s 70 million other practitioners.
2013
Putin’s political career in jeopardy after affair with brown bear comes to light.
2014
Russia takes world stage to host Sochi Winter Olympics, which solidifies nation’s status as major player in passing vials of piss through holes in a wall.
2014
Putin annexes Crimea by pure accident.
2015
Demands Ukraine stay out of NATO at risk of brutally violent retribution but no worries if not.
2016
Smiles.
2019
Learns about the fall of the Soviet Union and is furious.
2020
Russian constitution amended to allow Putin to rule for several terms after death.
2021
Delays invasion of Ukraine to focus on losing pandemic weight.
2025
Chokes out that he appreciates the irony right before dying of poisoning.
2038
Seventh presidential term begins.
