The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America:
Step 1: Filled-out refugee application materials thrown onto large, unorganized pile of folders on desk at United States immigration headquarters
Step 2: Applicants shown pictures of various U.S. landmarks and asked how violent they make them feel
Step 3: Nonrefundable $45 credit check fee
Step 4: Find safe place to wait out gunfire for next two years while application is processed
Step 5: Tracking chips inserted into refugees’ forearms
Step 6: Cry softly
Step 7: Often regarded as the most arduous step of the process, refugees must successfully elicit some level of sympathy from the American populace
Step 8: Age another year
Step 9: Legally accepted refugees inserted onto list to receive government benefits, directly ahead of all of nation’s veterans
Step 10: Accept grim but very real possibility of life in Billings, MT
Step 11: Refugees given list of mosques under government watch they are allowed to attend
Step 12: Enjoy full rights and privileges of something called “Adjust Status”
Step 13: Fully assimilate by denying sanctuary to future waves of refugees from another part of the world
