Facebook announced that it will pause the development of its “Instagram Kids” project and reassess it following criticism from lawmakers and parents groups. The Onion provides an in-depth look at Facebook’s proposed changes to improve “Instagram Kids.”
Automatically aging all selfies by 10 years to discourage pedophiles from engaging.
Restricting access to children and adults who insist they’re harmless.
Filtering age-appropriate content more effectively by hiring underage content moderators.
Creating a totally separate “Instagram Predators” app to keep everyone safe and sound.
Occasional push notifications checking in on how social media addiction coming along.
No ads until kids old enough to develop a fully monetizable consumer profile.
Pre-blocking Drake.
Avoiding liabilities by lobbying Congress to lower age of consent to 9.
Encouraging users to take a break if the minor they’re pursuing isn’t responding.
Stressing that most kids will grow up to be assholes regardless of what Facebook does.
