GOP Stalls Government Funding Bill By Detonating 50 Tons Of Explosives Inside Capitol Building

WASHINGTON—In a maneuver that experts suggest could represent a significant setback for the legislative ambitions of Democrats, the GOP reportedly stalled an upcoming government funding bill Tuesday by detonating fifty tons of C-4 explosives inside the Capitol building. “This was a make-or-break week for Democrats, and the complete destruction of both Congressional chambers alongside the death of several sitting progressives is just going to make passing the Biden agenda even harder,” said political expert Andrew Srinivasan, describing the decision by House minority leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) to plant and detonate 100,000 pounds of plastic explosives under the legislature as both a “cunning political move” and a major blow to the $3.5 trillion reconciliation bill. “It’s hard to imagine how President Biden will address climate change or Medicare expansion after a crucial vote like [Rep. Mike] Quigley was immolated in the resulting blast. Frankly, the coordination required to blow up the Rotunda alone shows how much better Republicans are at marching in lockstep and toeing party lines.” At press time, several pundits had praised the Republicans for their restraint in avoiding the nuclear option of obliterating Washington D.C. with a tactical warhead.