Green Giant Introduces New Frozen Death Cap Mushrooms For Convenient Weeknight Murders

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Offering customers a fast and easy way to poison their loved ones, packaged-food brand Green Giant introduced new frozen death cap mushrooms Monday for convenient weeknight murders. “Whether it’s a crime of passion or you’re simply trying to off your husband so you can embark on a exciting new life with your lover, Green Giant’s frozen death cap mushrooms allow you to poison in a pinch,” parent company CEO Kenneth Keller said in a statement, noting that contrary to popular belief, Amanita phalloides was just as lethal when frozen as it was when fresh, and carried the added bonus of being easy on customers’ wallets. “Serve them with your favorite seasoning as a delicious side dish, or toss them with pasta and an arsenic-laced sauce for a satisfying and effective entrée. They cook in the bag in just under six minutes, so you can spend less time worrying about getting dinner on the table and more time planning how you’re going to get away with it. As Green Giant always says, revenge is a dish best served steamed.” At press time, the product had reportedly been recalled due to reports of survival.