While claiming to be isolationists and against intervention abroad, “America First” conservatives have endorsed air strikes on Gaza. The Onion asked “America First” Republicans to explain why they support Israel’s military, and this is what they said.
Jayce Wheatley, Cabinet Maker
“I’m just now learning there’s countries besides America, so you’ll have to give me a minute.”
Guy Ortiz, Trucker
“My entire political philosophy boils down to this bumper sticker that says ‘Back The Blue,’ and lucky for me, it kind of works in this scenario too.”
Edward Piper, Optometrist
“I always liked the idea of compulsory paramilitary service for anyone other than me.”
Zach Feith, Bus Driver
“Oh, just because I have a basement full of Nazi memorabilia, I can’t support Israel?”
Benjamin Turner, Graphic Designer
“I figure a few hundred million dollars should help Netanyahu patch up his massive security failures.”
Shannon Vogt, Teacher
“I’m kooky!”
Ellen Baldwin, CFO
“Every bullet fired by a military or paramilitary member anywhere across the globe puts another $10,000 in my pocket.”
Francine Johannsen, Phlebotomist
“I support all U.S.-backed militaries because American defense contractors profit hand over fist from war, leading to a rising GDP, a figure which, for some reason, I believe to be indicative of the general well-being of our country’s inhabitants.”
Drew Tse, Logistics Supervisor
“Zelensky seems mean, but Netanyahu comes off really nice.”
Margot Drummonds, Social Worker
“I think it’s good for us to diversify our military budget portfolio.”
Janice McGeachin, Lieutenant Governor Of Idaho
“Israel starts with I. Idaho, where I live, starts with I. Hell, I starts with I. That’s what it’s all about—get the picture?”
Barry Kelly, Retired
“Jews are Christian.”
Sue Brinkley, Social Worker
“I thought Israel was a branch of the military, like the Air Force or the Marines.”
Taylor Farley, Customer Service Rep
“Funding Israel helps us avoid spending money on Americans. Why would an ‘America First’ supporter want money to be spent on Americans?”
