Dick Cheney Launches Last-Minute Invasion Of Wyoming To Bolster Daughter’s Reelection

WILSON, WY—As Humvees and Halliburton tanks rolled across the state’s borders under cover of darkness, former Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly commanded a full-scale invasion of Wyoming early Tuesday in an effort to bolster his daughter’s reelection chances. “The corrupt campaigns in Wyoming’s congressional primary show this rogue state cannot be allowed to continue operating without a swift and resolute military response,” Cheney said in a press statement that heralded the launch of Operation Bison Freedom and brushed aside concerns about possible death tolls, pointing to satellite evidence that showed nuclear sites constructed under the “tyrannical rule” of Wyoming Gov. Mark Gordon. “Regime change will unquestionably help spread democracy to the freedom-loving people of Wyoming and further advance our ability to broker a lasting peace between North and South Dakota. In fact, I’m sure the streets of Cheyenne will erupt into joy at the city’s liberation. To the people of Wyoming, I say this: Your state is rich with resources and human talent. With the help of Rep. Liz Cheney, you can build a future of stability, self-determination, and prosperity that will last for years to come.” At press time, Cheney denied claims that 257 Wyoming civilians had died in an overnight raid to keep polls open for several additional hours.