Unambitious Psychopath Still Only Killing Small Animals

FARMINGTON HILLS, MI—Failing to live up to his potential to be one of the most notorious serial killers of all time, unambitious psychopath Jared Darby was still only killing small animals, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You’d think that after all this time he’d have moved on to killing people, but no, he’s still just setting cats on fire,” said longtime acquaintance Eric Scanlon, claiming that Darby petered out after initially showing an aptitude for skinning dogs at a young age. “It’s like, do you really want to be smashing squirrels with baseball bats your entire life? At a certain point you have to challenge yourself by torturing and dismembering a drifter. He could have been slaughtering beautiful young women by now if he had just applied himself. He really needs to grow up.” At press time, an unmotivated Darby was seen bumming around his hometown drowning guinea pigs.