,

Defense Attorneys Vow To Present Irrefutable Evidence Proving Jeffrey Epstein Billionaire

NEW YORK—Addressing the “gross injustice” behind their client’s recent arrest, defense attorneys told reporters Monday that they vow to present irrefutable evidence proving that Jeffrey Epstein is a billionaire. “Frankly, it’s disgusting for anyone to assume that Mr. Epstein would have a net worth of anything less than a billion dollars,” said attorney Martin Weinberg, adding that he and his legal team will present dozens of witnesses who can corroborate Epstein’s bank balance, along with tax documents and stock certificates that would absolve the financier of having such a heinously low amount of money. “The authorities are treating my client, a man who has shown himself to be nothing but an affluent citizen of his wealthy community, like a common millionaire. I am confident that after the jury is given all the facts, they will find the defendant very, very rich.” At press time, Epstein’s legal team released numerous photographs of a private 70-acre island that they say would completely exonerate their client.




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper