BREAKING: Former Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice, 67, Will Die

STANFORD, CA—Offering sympathy and verifying widespread reports about the former secretary of state’s health, sources confirmed Thursday that Condoleezza Rice, 67, will die one day. “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I share with you the news that Secretary Rice, who dutifully served her country throughout a distinguished career in public service, is eventually going to pass away,” said a source close to Rice’s family, who requested that details concerning the death of the first African American woman to lead the State Department not be released to the public, as they were not yet known. “The renowned diplomat and former national security advisor will be dearly missed by those who knew and loved her best. But thanks to the indelible mark she made on our nation’s foreign policy, her formidable legacy will remain long after she leaves this world, whenever that may be.” At press time, sources asked Americans to bow their heads and observe a moment of silence until Rice had finally died.