While Independence Day can be a time of patriotic celebration, reports show many Americans still believe myths and outright lies about the origins of the national holiday. Here are the biggest lies Americans are taught about the Fourth of July.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/092c44a0c2a3388c92ccace4824a5f08.jpg)
Mike’s Gonna Have Some Sick Illegal Fireworks
Every year he says he’s got the hookup for genuine M-80s, and every year he’s full of shit.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/3efb6a388b0f9f49db145bd878cd966f.jpg)
John Hancock Signed The Declaration Of Independence “johnhancock.com”
Personal websites would in fact not exist for another two centuries.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/e2a16ce0ddcc97f2f7dff3247d0f964e.jpg)
Fireworks Represent “The Rocket’s Red Glare” From The National Anthem
While overhead explosions were used in some battles, most campaigns were won with sparklers.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/373f67b025bc24fdc42b454b4ddb4b3c.jpg)
You’re Supposed To Keep All Your Fingers And Limbs
Despite popular belief, you’re supposed to lose at least three fingers and one of your legs after playing with fireworks, as this is a Fourth of July tradition.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/85bcf0dbb1c1a403b76a9433a94708aa.jpg)
The Declaration Of Independence Was Signed On July 4
The document was actually signed a month later to give John Adams, who was illiterate, time to learn how to write his name.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/ee44031499a37239a8858ea1fcccd0a5.jpg)
The Fireworks Were Better Last Year
They were exactly the same, you dunderhead.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/733412b19eb402f5e2f591d9e6ec8629.jpg)
Founding Fathers And Indigenous People Grilled Hot Dogs And Drank Beer Together On The First Independence Day
This problematic myth ignores the grim fact that the Founding Fathers refused to share their beer and funnel cakes with the local indigenous population.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/82ee92af10ea8ca3cb8e5e5bba8e37d6.jpg)
The “Oooo’s” And “Ahhh’s” You Hear From People While Watching Fireworks Are Real
As with most crowd reactions, the verbal reactions to fireworks were recorded 70 years ago and continue to be in use today.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/5c3c5330b6277b6caae89a214d0e6f10.jpg)
You Have The Day Off
Sorry, we’re going to need you to work a double shift.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/056ce68f7aacf01def509fba22c570c2.jpg)
You’re Supposed To Dress Up As A Ghost, Witch, Or Other Spooky Creature
Nope, save those costumes for Labor Day.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/0e6778c5d2348d0ad04c459ebdceaaa3.jpg)
You Can Murder Any Brit With No Penalty
Partially true. On July 4, such felonies are reduced to misdemeanors.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/6b932fae77a499613167962996606c3c.jpg)
The Winner Of The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest Becomes President
They actually become Senate pro tempore.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/72ed2fc084a1099d8fe1dd3d5814f28e.jpg)
Parades Are Fun For The Whole Family
They’re fine.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/fe58ee0797bd83ce70192b23b51ef694.jpg)
You Can Have Sex With The Flag On July 4
The Flag Code found in 4 U.S.C. § 8 clearly states intercourse with the Stars and Stripes is only permitted between Aug. 14 and 17.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/c6ec862373610e12383bce757f0399e3.jpg)
Uncle Trey Can Blast Apart That Old Cooler With A Couple Of Bottle Rockets, Easy
Many Americans still believe, year after year, that Uncle Trey will follow through on his lofty promises to obliterate stuff he found in the garage. Maybe this is the year he finally does.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/d6841512956f79ec5c8ece87af5a8519.jpg)
It Takes Place In July
Nobody knows exactly when the Declaration of Independence was written, because Thomas Jefferson forgot to date it.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/16846b9f1987ece1eee5e79fcaa1a959.jpg)
You Were Definitely Invited To Your Coworker’s Barbecue
You never got the invitation? Weird. Maybe they added an extra letter to your email address or something. Sorry about that.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/82a23795649617ae6a75ebbb855bd891.jpg)
That’s The End Of The Fireworks
There’s always a grand finale right after a slightly too long lull.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/4f0a759f4efc2ef8700e52e69e6bb7ca.jpg)
It’s Fun
It sucks. Just watch a movie and try to keep your dog calm.