Biggest Lies Americans Are Taught About The 4th Of July

While Independence Day can be a time of patriotic celebration, reports show many Americans still believe myths and outright lies about the origins of the national holiday. Here are the biggest lies Americans are taught about the Fourth of July.

Mike’s Gonna Have Some Sick Illegal Fireworks

Every year he says he’s got the hookup for genuine M-80s, and every year he’s full of shit.

John Hancock Signed The Declaration Of Independence “johnhancock.com”

Personal websites would in fact not exist for another two centuries.

Fireworks Represent “The Rocket’s Red Glare” From The National Anthem

While overhead explosions were used in some battles, most campaigns were won with sparklers.

You’re Supposed To Keep All Your Fingers And Limbs

Despite popular belief, you’re supposed to lose at least three fingers and one of your legs after playing with fireworks, as this is a Fourth of July tradition.

The Declaration Of Independence Was Signed On July 4

The document was actually signed a month later to give John Adams, who was illiterate, time to learn how to write his name.

The Fireworks Were Better Last Year

They were exactly the same, you dunderhead.

Founding Fathers And Indigenous People Grilled Hot Dogs And Drank Beer Together On The First Independence Day

This problematic myth ignores the grim fact that the Founding Fathers refused to share their beer and funnel cakes with the local indigenous population.

The “Oooo’s” And “Ahhh’s” You Hear From People While Watching Fireworks Are Real

As with most crowd reactions, the verbal reactions to fireworks were recorded 70 years ago and continue to be in use today.

You Have The Day Off

Sorry, we’re going to need you to work a double shift.

You’re Supposed To Dress Up As A Ghost, Witch, Or Other Spooky Creature

Nope, save those costumes for Labor Day.

You Can Murder Any Brit With No Penalty

Partially true. On July 4, such felonies are reduced to misdemeanors.

The Winner Of The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest Becomes President

They actually become Senate pro tempore.

Parades Are Fun For The Whole Family

They’re fine.

You Can Have Sex With The Flag On July 4

The Flag Code found in 4 U.S.C. § 8 clearly states intercourse with the Stars and Stripes is only permitted between Aug. 14 and 17.

Uncle Trey Can Blast Apart That Old Cooler With A Couple Of Bottle Rockets, Easy

Many Americans still believe, year after year, that Uncle Trey will follow through on his lofty promises to obliterate stuff he found in the garage. Maybe this is the year he finally does.