Armed Conservative Monitoring Polling Site Disappointed How Few People Vote In Midterms

KEENE, NH—Sighing as he checked his watch again, an armed conservative man monitoring a local polling place Tuesday expressed disappointment over how few people vote in midterm elections. “I had hoped a lot more voters would turn out for me to intimidate, but I guess some folks can’t even be bothered to show up and try to vote,” said Bill Trent, 48, adding that he had risen early to clean his sidearm and semiautomatic rifle so he could arrive at the polling site before it opened, but after hours of patrolling the premises, he had only been able to stop about a dozen voters at gunpoint to check their IDs and ensure they were locals. “I called my buddies at another polling place across town, and it’s the same deal. Based on registration numbers, I was expecting to terrorize hundreds of people well into the evening, not to mention thousands more who we were told would show up to try and vote illegally. I stood in the path of this one guy who didn’t even know there was an election today. It’s such a shame. Guess I got locked and loaded for nothing.” At press time, saying he didn’t want the whole day to be a waste, Trent told reporters he had decided to lug his 2,000 rounds of stockpiled ammunition on down to the Planned Parenthood.