Kidnapper Not About To Wake Up At 5 A.M. To Abduct Jogging Woman

GARDEN CITY, ID—Scoffing at the utterly ridiculous thought that he’d ever be that much of a morning person, local kidnapper Stanley Deacon told reporters Tuesday that he was not about to wake up at 5 a.m. to abduct a jogging woman. “Oh hell no—as much as I’d love to be up bright and early to find a woman running alone and stuff her into the trunk of my car, there’s no goddamn way I’m getting out of bed before sunrise,” said Deacon, adding that there wasn’t a victim in the world that would motivate him to set an alarm, not hit snooze, and somehow roll out of the house before his normal stalking time of 10 a.m. “Seriously, I love a good opportunity to corner a terrified woman alone in the woods as much as the next kidnapper, but getting up at the crack of dawn? Fuck that! Plus, it’s all dark and cold out there that early in the morning. Truth be told, it always creeps me out.” At press time, Deacon confirmed he had opted to sleep in, have a nice relaxing morning, and just do double the kidnapping that night.