Anheuser-Busch Confirms All Bud Light Cans Have Undergone Gay Conversion Therapy

ST. LOUIS—In an effort to distance itself from a controversial marketing campaign featuring a transgender influencer, Anheuser-Busch confirmed Thursday that all cans of Bud Light beer had undergone gay conversion therapy. “As of today, all of our Bud Light cans, bottles, and kegs have been fully cleansed of all traces of homosexuality through repeated, forced conditioning,” said Anheuser-Busch InBev CEO Michel Doukeris, adding that the company had spent millions of dollars installing special triple filters designed to eliminate any hops, grain, or yeast that identified as lesbian, bisexual, gay, queer, or transgender. “While the process of reprogramming our ingredients is time-consuming, mentally and emotionally taxing, and, in many instances, violent, we at Anheuser-Busch want to assure our customers that a gay product will never leave our brewery. After extensive testing, we can now fully guarantee that our beer is 100% straight. Also, it always identifies as its birth gender: either male or female.” Anheuser-Busch later confirmed that all its Bud Light cans were also Caucasian and virulently opposed the civil rights movement.