A new report found that nearly 2,000 children were abused by more than 450 Catholic priests in Illinois. A number of priests were willing to defend the Catholic Church amid the sex abuse scandal, and this is what they said.
Father Peter Ferdinand
“I’m an optimist, so I prefer to look at how many testicles have gone un-fondled instead.”
Father Luigi Rossi
“Look, I did all my Hail Marys. Back the fuck off.”
Father Jeffrey Lombardo
“Tattling is the ultimate sin.”
Father Vincent Casey
“Not defending them, but it’s really hard to meet people outside of work.”
Father Anthony Poole
“What, it was only a couple thousand kids. It’s not like it was a couple million kids or something.”
Father Gino Deluca
“As soon as I became a priest, I pre-absolved myself of anything bad I would ever do.”
Father Jim Thurston
“It’s not my fault that the penis and testicles of a young boy bear so much resemblance to Christ on the cross.”
Father Benjamin Greco
“An adult deity participating in extramarital relations with an underage child is how this whole religion got started in the first place.”
Sarah Cartwright
“They won’t let me be a priest, but if I were one, I’d be completely onboard with the pedophilia stuff.”
Father Pedro Díaz
“Show me a single organization on earth that doesn’t cover up for pedophilia at every level.”
Father Richard Aguirre
“Why can’t people focus on one of the Catholic Church’s other horrific, indefensible crimes for a change?”
Father Jeremy Ellis
“Paul’s Second Letter to the Thessalonians: ‘Tear off thy garments, all ye children, and expose thyself to the Lord.’”
Father Walter Fitzharris
“I believe the complete lack of accountability is all a part of God’s great plan.”
Father Jared Fogle
“If you think child sex abuse is bad in the Catholic Church, just wait until you hear about my old job.”
Father Logan Freely
“Don’t blame the church. I was a pedophile long before becoming a priest.”
Father Jonathan T. Pedophile
“Look, in spite of my name—and actually maybe because of my name—I find the idea of child abuse as repellent as anyone. We’ve got to do better.”
Father Arthur Meara
“Their parents practically throw them at us, sending their altar boys to church in their sexy starched shirts and fetching black shoes.”
Father Robert Holihan
“I’m pretty sure all 2,000 of the kids in that report claimed at the time they were old enough to get molested.”
Father Terrence O’Shane
“You don’t spend all that time slowly scraping a glory hole in the confessional and not use it.”
God
“Oh shit, I can’t believe Catholicism is still a thing. I remember hanging out there in my early 3,000s, but it got pretty lame after that.”
Father Gabriel Ellis
“I’ll have you know that the child currently hidden beneath my robes is there for totally nonsexual reasons.”
