Discussing spirituality with a young person can be difficult, and that might only become more difficult if they’re questioning the existence of a higher power. Here are some strategies on what to say to a child if they don’t believe in God.
“That’s all right. You are your own person who needs to discover your own beliefs and guiding principles for yourself.”
Then loudly announce to the rest of the family that only those going to church will get ice cream.
“But I named you after some jamoke from the Bible.”
On second thought, that’s probably not going to help your case with little Gaius.
“But God is everything, man! God is just a term for the universe.”
You can try this line of rhetoric, but they’re definitely not as high as you right now.
“Oh, yeah? You probably worship some nerd who loves nerd stuff, you nerd.”
Got his ass.
“If you don’t repent, then when you die, you’ll go to the party zone.”
No kid would choose a party over a stable desk job in the sky.
“Here’s $20. Still an atheist?”
Maybe you can’t convince your child that a divine creator is behind each and every one of us, but President Jackson can.
“But that makes no sense. We took you to a protest outside Planned Parenthood just last week, and you loved it!”
Your child can still be an atheist who hates women.
“I’m going to tell ‘The National Review,’ and they’re going to take your column away from you!”
No! Not the column! Not your 11-year-old’s column!
“I don’t care if you’re a renowned evolutionary biologist, young man. We didn’t raise you that way!”
Send Richard Dawkins to his room immediately.
“Did you even read the complete works of Thomas Aquinas we got you?”
I mean, did your son even sit down and read the five volumes of the Summa Theologica you got him last Christmas?
“Still don’t think Christianity is cool? Irish actress Roma Downey is a Christian.”
If the Touched By An Angel star isn’t their speed, there’s also Patricia Heaton.
“Good, because I am your God from now on.”
Then insist they get down on the floor and lick your boots clean.
“You leave me no choice but to assassinate Sam Harris.”
Then start packing up your Barrett M82 sniper rifle. That bastard will pay for what he’s done to your child.
“This is just a phase, same as your childish disbelief in string theory.”
How else are you going to bridge the gap between quantum and Newtonian mechanics?
“I will always love you, no matter what idiotic bullshit your dumb ass believes.”
Support is essential during childhood.
“That’s fine, but as long as you live in my house, your blood is getting spilled upon the altar.”
It’s good to let your child know that just because they’ve changed their mind, that doesn’t mean it’s time to uproot the entire routine.”
“Don’t let one little molestation destroy your entire belief in the Lord.”
Obviously, it’s easy to get disillusioned, but remind them it wasn’t God Himself who molested them, it was only His emissary!
“Can we compromise on demigods?”
Belief in half-mortal, half-deities is a good middle ground for a child who doesn’t want to believe in one all-powerful creator.
“That’s fine, but you know you can no longer live in this monastery.”
After raising this baby you found on the steps of your remote monastery one rainy night as a monk, you assumed he’d want to take up the celibate meditative life forever, but God apparently has another path for him.
“Oh! Let’s tell Grandma, and hopefully it’ll kill her!”
Send that bitch to the hell your kid doesn’t even believe in.
“Cool, let’s go blow up a church!”
As much fun as this would be, make sure they really don’t believe in God before you take this huge, incredibly fun step.
“Well, then, it appears you do not see my marriage to your mother as legitimate in the eyes of the church, so see ya! I’m finally free!”
Now you may leave.
