With news spreading that Taylor Swift has formed a power couple with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, the pop star’s fans are speculating on whether this relationship might be different from her past ones. The Onion asked Swift’s ex-boyfriends to give Kelce advice on how to make this relationship a success.
Taylor Lautner, Actor
“Her fans are fucking crazy and awful and she hates their guts, so don’t say you support her fans.”
KC Wolf, NFL Mascot
“Trust me, buddy. She’s just in it for the tickets.”
Joe Alwyn, Actor
“Her favorite movie is The Babadook. She watches it every morning. She thinks she is the Babadook. She used to get up early in the morning and dress up as the Babadook and then leap on my side of the bed and scream, ‘I am the Babadook, and I will sever your arteries,’ which I honestly don’t think is part of the Babadook’s whole thing, but I know better than to question her. The only way to get her to stop was reminding her that the Babadook doesn’t have a soul, and she would get really sad about that and wouldn’t want to be the Babadook anymore. Taylor made my life a living hell.”
Jake Gyllenhaal, Actor
“She watches too many beheading videos.”
Austin Swift, Actor
“Make sure you’re not related first.”
Rudy Giuliani, Former New York Mayor
“What’s most important is that you be her friend. Your partner should be your best friend. Someone you go home to and are happy to see at the end of the day. Someone who you trust with everything. Someone who is there for you when nobody else is. That kind of intimacy is the most important thing.”
Tyger Elden, Cyberstar
“Travis, please listen to me. I am a heartthrob from the year 2340. You must not, I repeat, not date Ms. Swift, or the world will end. Do you hear me? The fate of the world is in your hands.”
Robert Pattinson, Actor
“You’ve got the wrong 2010s teen romance. I dated the lesbian.”
Tom Hiddleston, Actor
“Just don’t do that to yourself. I mean, why would you? You’re 10 minutes late to dinner and suddenly—boom—there’s a lyric.”
Jason Kelce, NFL Player
“Wait, you’re dating Taylor Swift? But I’m dating Taylor Swift!”
Calvin Harris, DJ
“Be careful about your semen. She collects and freezes semen samples from every guy she dates, and she says one day she’ll impregnate herself with all of them at once and give birth to the Übermensch.”
Xi Jinping, President Of The People’s Republic of China
“She’s really not good at the whole long distance thing.”
Dick Van Dyke, Actor
“She will turn you from a boy to a man.”
Harry Styles, Artist
“She already owns a Vitamix and a tote bag, so if you need to get a Christmas gift, I don’t know. House slippers?”
John Mayer, Artist
“Kevlar body armor will slow her fans’ bullets, but not stop them.”
Matty Healy, Artist
“If she invites you to one of her shows, bring cash. Nobody gets in for free.”
Lucas Till, Actor
“She circumcises every guy she dates, even if they don’t have a foreskin.”
Ed Sheeran, Musician
“Look enough like a hairy little elf that she’ll only ever see you in a platonic light.”
Hodari, White Rhino
“I thought she really liked me, but it ended up she was just dating me because we’d been put in the same endangered species breeding program.”
Fred Gordon, Retired Fireman
“Be careful, or she’ll write a song all about your world-famous homemade chili and the once-secret family recipe will wind up on AZlyrics.com.”
Wolfgang Puck, Chef
“I didn’t like how the paparazzi kept popping out of big pots of soups to take our photo.”
Kody Brown, Polygamous Patriarch
“I didn’t see it at the time, but Red is apparently about how miserable she was as one of my sister wives.”
Trent Dunckley, IT Manager
“She’s like a well-known actress or something, so sometimes fans will recognize her when you’re at Panera.”
