Rejecting scientific expertise and touting ideas like “space is fake,” the flat-Earth conspiracy theory has gained popularity in recent years. The Onion asked flat-earthers to explain why the Earth is flat, and this is what they said.
Lois Guinness, IT Chief
“Who knows why people think what they do? Maybe you’re religious, or maybe like me you grew up eating lead paint chips.”
Robert Teague, Surgeon
“Look, I’ll believe anything to feel like I’m part of a community.”
Keegan Reynolds, Cyclist
“Huh, you know, I’ve never thought of it, really. I’ve just never heard otherwise.”
Logan Turnbull, Kindergartner
“We haven’t learned 3D shapes yet.”
Holly Kurzmack, Restaurant Manager
“Everything is flat. Buildings are flat. Mountains are flat. You’re flat. I’m flat. The only thing that isn’t flat is the Earth. Wait…”
Will McCray, Makita Rep
“Because God had enough sense to sand that puppy down to a perfectly level surface using a Makita 9403 belt sander with an 80-grit belt.”
Todd O’Neil, Weird Guy
“Oh, so just because I’m a weird guy, you automatically assume I’m a flat-earther?”
Jennifer Littlecreek, Acupuncturist
“The Earth on my computer screen is flat. Are you telling me I can’t trust my own two eyes?”
Thomas Stacey, Professor
“If it were truly round, then when I roll down a slope and go ‘Wheeeeeeeee,’ I theoretically should never stop rolling. I should roll around and around the Earth in perpetuity going ‘Wheeeeeeeee’ on my merry way, forever.”
Doug Newhouser, Chef
“Simple: Jews.”
Maurice Armstrong, Line Cook
“I’m not sure if it’s true, but I hope it is, because flat is my favorite shape.”
Joelle Thorton, Dog Breeder
“Nice try. Nobody’s ever going to convince me of the ridiculous idea that Earth is round and that the great Titan Atlas is holding it up.”
Andre Blockstone, Cashier
“The sphere is a mythical shape invented by woke liberal cultists.”
Rob Kessler, Unemployed
“I’ve seen the edge of the Earth. It’s behind the 7-Eleven on Main and Juniper. I throw trash down there into outer space.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson, Astrophysicist
“Trust the science.”
Dakota Price, Quality Control Inspector
“I became a flat-earther after watching this incredible, eye-opening documentary called Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”
Aaron Roman, Uber Driver
“It is flat, but not the way people think—it goes vertical, not horizontal. We’re all balancing on a really small strip of Earth, and there are completely smooth sides that go really far down, but they are too steep and slippery to use.”
Evan Campero, Yoga Teacher
“Of course it’s flat. What other shape could it possibly be? Rectangular?”
Karlena Duffy, Registered Nurse
“Yeah, trust me, it’s flat. My stupid husband bought us a house at the edge of the world after only looking at the pictures on Zillow, and there’s no room in the backyard for the kids to run around or anything, just a black gaping void. The public schools are pretty good, though.”
