Elon Musk has pledged to remove all verification for accounts that refuse to pay $8 per month for Twitter Blue. The Onion asked verified Twitter users how they felt about losing their coveted blue checks, and this is what they said.
Elon Musk
“It sucks, but I refuse to pay eight bucks for a buggy site teeming with white supremacists.”
Centers For Disease Control And Prevention
“Loss of the blue checkmark will lead to the rapid spread of misinformation around issues of life or death, so really not much will change.”
Nate Silver
“I’ve disappeared from every photo in my house. I try to call out to my neighbors, but nobody answers.”
Ian McKellen
“Yeah, that’s fair. I haven’t done anything good since Return Of The King.”
Barack Obama
“This is a national security concern because it enables malicious accounts to take credit for my summer playlists.”
Matt Taibbi
“Mr. Musk, dear sir, I do believe a mistake has been made, my lord. If you could, with all your infinite wisdom, fix this, it would be but another example of your noble heart and unmatched spirit.”
Mike Cernovich
“I thought only coastal elites would be punished. Was I the cuck? Was I the real cuck this whole time?”
Amber Tamblyn
“A genius like Musk knows the only way to make a business profitable is to first alienate any remaining loyal customers.”
Matthew Lillard
“I’m terrified no one will try to impersonate me.”
William Shatner
“In the dark and violent expanse of the universe, eventually we all lose our check marks.”
Donald Trump
“Look, at the end of the day, I just have to accept that my moment in the spotlight has passed.”
Stephen King
“Quick—you distract Elon with some rage comics, and I’ll hack into the mainframe to reverse course.”
Jake Tapper
“I was posting too much anime porn, wasn’t I?”
Chris Hayes
“The world is a dark and meaningless place. I’ve been crying for 36 straight hours. The only thing that gave me value, gave me purpose, has been taken from me.”
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
“I’m hoping this doesn’t impact the thousands of death threats I receive daily.”
Department Of Agriculture
“Twitter fucking sucks now anyway.”
Justin Bieber
“Whatever, I’m mostly on LinkedIn now.”
