Dad Delivers Annual State Of The Lawn Address

NAPERVILLE, IL—Addressing members of the household from a front yard lectern, local dad Jim Martin delivered his annual state of the lawn speech Tuesday, according to reports from those in attendance. “Honey, kids, I am promising you right now, this year will bring a fuller, greener, and more robust lawn for everybody to enjoy, so long as we follow my plan and stick to the budget,” Martin said in the highly anticipated speech given each spring, proceeding to lay out an ambitious agenda for a quarter acre that had seen its ups and downs in recent years—including a large hole that none of the family’s children have owned up to—and then detailing a five-year plan to overhaul the sprinkler infrastructure. “I’m not going to sugarcoat things. The lawn is patchy, we have moles, and, between the powdery mildew and the crabgrass, it’s going to be a damn tough year. It’s tempting to give up and let the weeds take over, I know, but that’s not who the Martins are. We can replant and fertilize and come back better, stronger, and more evenly sown than ever. It won’t be easy. We’re going to need multiple applications of insecticide to keep those grubs at bay. And there are sacrifices to be made. We’re all just going to have to stay off those seedlings near the shed until the turf over there is tough enough to withstand the foot traffic. But make no mistake: The state of our lawn is strong.” Martin went on to say that he would not be taking questions about his controversial practice of mowing super early on Saturday mornings.