Georgetown Hospital Staff Saddened By Elderly Patient Repeatedly Insisting He Used To Be America’s Mayor

WASHINGTON—Surveying an enfeebled Rudy Giuliani with a mixture of bewilderment and pity, the Georgetown Hospital staff were reportedly saddened Monday by the elderly patient repeatedly insisting he used to be “America’s mayor.” “A lot of people are pretty far gone by the time they come to us, but these delusions are probably the worst we’ve seen,” said charge nurse Daniella Weber, smiling sympathetically as she retied the 76-year-old’s open hospital gown and nodded along to his story about rebuilding his city better than ever before. “Oh God, you hate to witness this. He keeps saying he’s beloved by millions, and it’s just heartbreaking. We gave him a little medicine to calm him down, but he’s still talking about how he single-handedly cleaned up Times Square. He even asked to get the president on the phone. It’s so sad he’s going to die like this, disoriented and all alone.” At press time, a group of nursing aides was leading Giuliani back to his bed after finding the patient holding a 9/11 memorial service in the morgue.