I was recently informed that quite a large number of Americans remain illiterate, a fact I initially considered good news. Once people are taught to read, I reasoned, in a flash the wealthy and powerful will find their severed heads atop pikes! But then I realized: If every-body is illiterate, there will be no-one able to read The Onion, the Republic’s finest herald of news-worthy events! There-fore, I have composed an alphabet-primer to tutor the nation’s unlettered masses. I am only doing this once, so look sharp:
A is for Absinthe, for which I now thirst,
B is for Bastard, such as William Randolph Hearst;
C is for Centaur, magical beast of lore,
D is for Death, which is constantly at my door;
E is for my Estate, which has 652 rooms,
F is for the Foreigners who seal the Republic’s doom;
G is for Gangrene, eating my foot, to my shame,
H is for Herman, my beautiful middle name;
I is for Illuminate, synonymous with “elucidate,”
J is for the vicious Jackals which I often hallucinate;
K is for Kaiser, or Wilhelm as he is known,
L is for my Leprosy, which I fear has rather grown;
M is for Misery, rarely from it do I stir,
N is for Nurse; where is that filthy cur?
O is for Obtuse, describing my sons to a T,
P is for Pornography—Is there any around for me?
Q is for Quinsy, another malady of mine,
R is for Rudy Vallee, curse the vulgar swine!
S is for the Spaniards, our enemies across the sea,
T is for the Tin of the ro-bot who so hates me!
U is for Ugly, Urine, Unfortunate and Upset,
V is for my Vitality, drained by this alphabet;
W is for Whig, a party I have long despised,
X is for Xenophobe, which I am, you’ve doubt-less surmised;
Y is for Yellow, the sallow color of my skin,
Z, of course, is for the Zweibels, the great newspaper-man and his kin!
T. Herman Zweibel, the great grandson of Onion founder Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel, was born in 1868, became editor of The Onion at age 20, and persisted in various editorial posts until his launching into space in 2001. Zweibel’s name became synonymous with American business success in the 20th century. Many consider him the “Father Of American Journalism,” also the title of his well-known 1943 biography, written by Norman Rombauer.
