Zoo Insists If They Can Get A New Gorilla They’ll Really Take Care Of It This Time

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Declaring that they had learned their lesson and should be allowed to try again, officials at the Bridgeport Zoo reportedly insisted Tuesday that if they could get a new gorilla they’d really take care of it this time. “Come on, please let us have a new gorilla—we’re really sorry, and we get it now! Please?” said zoo director Hilary Merz, adding that zoo staff pinkie-promised to only feed the gorilla stuff it was supposed to eat. “It’s not fair. All the other zoos have gorillas! It was an accident, and we didn’t mean it. We’re going to do a great job with the gorilla this time. You’ll see! We get it now, and we won’t let it out anymore. We even got rid of the Austin Powers costume. Please let us have a new gorilla. We want one in our zoo more than anything in the whole wide world!” At press time, sources confirmed zoo staff were crying while vehemently insisting that they didn’t know that microwaves could do that to endangered frogs.