Pain will be yours this week when that Man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you’ve been writing about him.
You’ll soon popularize a new dance craze, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
The stars would love to give you some relationship advice, but they’re still quite tired from having all that raucous sex with your wife.
People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
Your disdain for authority will be full display this week when you pick a fight with a handsome set of leather-bound encyclopedias.
Mosquitoes are usually attracted to body heat and perspiration, though in your case, it’s the giant mosquito costume.
You’ll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his naked neighbor.
Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you’ve only got about seven of them left.
You’ve always been handy with a bow saw, which is good news, as you’ve never been handy with a bear trap.
Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of blood-sucking parasite after you for a reason.
Your coworkers are beginning to tire of your lame excuses. Although, to be fair, that’s really your plumber’s fault.
Remember: It’s all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
