CHATFIELD, MN–Productivity declined sharply at Tuesday’s Chatfield High School yearbook meeting, when the proceedings devolved into an animated discussion of the school’s popular kids.
“Gee, what a surprise: another picture of Jessica [Morgan] in her brand-new Jetta,” said Chatfield Megaphone photo editor Carol Keelan, laying out a Seniors collage page. “Well, I guess we have to put her in again, since she was Prom Queen. Look what hot shit she thinks she is in that picture… the operative word being ’thinks.’”
The remark prompted Megaphone assistant copy editor Paul Garnock to recount a shoulder-punching incident involving Rich Tyler, Morgan’s boyfriend and star quarterback for the school football team.
“As much as I dislike Jessica–and that’s quite a lot–I actually think I dislike Rich even more,” said Garnock, rolling up his sleeve to display a large purple bruise. “At lunch last Friday, I was minding my own business when he came up and started whaling on my shoulder because, apparently, he thinks it’s a riot. I suppose that’s the sort of thing that has to pass for humor when you don’t have a brain.”
“We should make up a page for him called ’Painting The Future Black & Blue,’” added Garnock, alluding to this year’s yearbook theme, “Painting The Future.” “Or maybe ’Painting Myself Into A Corner Because I Am Stupid And Will Do Nothing With My Life.’”
Garnock’s anti-Tyler remarks served as a segue into a discussion of whether there were any school sports teams that “aren’t made up of jerks.”
“The cross-country team is pretty cool, but that’s about it,” yearbook editor-in-chief Anita Shah said. “The worst, I would have to say, is the wrestling team, followed by hockey, with football a close third.”
In spite of their distaste for the popular kids, or “Chatfield’s ruling elite,” the yearbook staffers acknowledged that there were exceptions.
“You know who’s actually kind of okay?” events-section editor Janine Boyd said. “Adam Welter. Even though he’s going out with Amanda Berg and is all Mr. Pretty Boy, he isn’t a total asshole like the rest of them. He even said he liked the class presentation I gave on censorship in rhetoric.”
Garnock strenuously disagreed with Boyd’s assessment of Welter, claiming that he once shoved him into an open locker, bloodying his nose and scratching his glasses. Garnock also accused Boyd of having “the hots” for Welter. The charge was denied.
Tuesday’s meeting, which disbanded when Garnock’s mother arrived to pick him up for piano lessons, was the sixth in a row to devolve into a discussion of the popular students. While little progress was made in assembling the yearbook, a consensus was reached that cheerleading captain Amy Axelrod is a total stuck-up bulimic slut.
