“Everyone who died from Covid was just pretending, but then we threw their bodies into the incinerators anyway.”
This isn’t really comforting.
“This is good practice for what you’ll put your own kids through someday.”
No need to remind them that the hell won’t end even when they’re mommies and daddies.
“Everything is going to be fine.”
Lying never helped anyone.
“When the big hand is at the 12 and the little hand is at the 5, what time is it?”
Time isn’t real anymore, you fool.
“Make your peace with God right now.”
Don’t scare your child by telling them the time has come to beg the Almighty for forgiveness.
“It’s so weird how you’ve never experienced a true moment of happiness.”
TV has brought them plenty of happiness.
“If I don’t have $50,000 by midnight, a man is going to break one of my arms.”
Aren’t they stressed enough without you dragging them into your gambling debts?
“Don’t worry about coronavirus. The only thing you need to fear is growing old having accomplished nothing with no loved ones by your side.”
In this instance, time is a better teacher than just merely saying what will happen.
“Whoa, is that a dinosaur? I love your mask.”
Children hate small talk.
“If you don’t stop throwing a tantrum, I’ll have no choice but to confiscate your father’s ashes.”
You know this is going to end in tears.
“You can always use this as material for your college essay.”
Please, they might as well just write about what their high school volleyball team taught them about adversity.
“If you think this pandemic was bad, just imagine what it was like to be Edgar Wright when
Heartbreaking as it might be to have seen your definitive statement as an auteur filmmaker torn apart in the press, this child likely has very little familiarity with the Three Flavours Cornetto trilogy, let alone Wright’s latest drama.
“You’re less likely to get Covid, because you have no friends to infect you.”
Well meaning, but your kid didn’t need you to remind them they’re a total dud.
“It’s a good thing you’re so behind in school, because we can’t afford college.”
Reminding your child that the White House took free community college off the table is likely only going to cause your kindergartner to throw a fit.
“Buzz Lightyear is dead.”
Now you’re just being mean.
“You know a snub-nosed revolver like this can blow a hole clear through a brick wall? Just think what it could do to a little kid’s skull like yours.”
Fanciful stories like this might seem like a nice distraction, but ultimately dark tales can often heighten anxiety in times like this, not alleviate it.
“Someday you’ll find this as funny as I do.”
Never tell a child that just the thought of an ICU causes you to giggle.
“As an adult, I like to have sex to distract myself from these crazy times. But you? You can’t do that yet. Too bad.”
This is just cruel. Children are already jealous enough of adults without you bringing up this sort of thing.
“Remember, vaccines aren’t 100% effective.”
Don’t go out of your way to tell a child that, technically, agonizing death still isn’t off the table.
“Surprise! I died of Covid!”
No matter how strong or brave your child is, the last thing they want their parents to do is burst in the room and announce that they’ve died of Covid.
“Don’t worry, you’ll have more chances to be 8 years old.”
Revealing the secrets of the strange and sometimes grim process of cyclical aging is too much for a child that young.
“Here’s a picture of me hugging my best friend in third grade.”
Social distancing is hard enough without you bringing in a photo from 1992 to rub it in.
“I thought the mask covering your face would make people bully you less, but it seems like the opposite is true.”
You can’t help it that they’re just really fun to bully. The mask can only do so much!
“Your fifth birthday party was an incredibly selfish event to hold in the middle of a pandemic.”
Relax, everyone there was masked and vaxxed.
“At least you’re not a 43-year-old man living through the pandemic.”
There’s no use comparing suffering.
“Man, it must be weird to have no future now.”
They didn’t before, and saying this now is just going to show the child that you were a credulous dipshit before the pandemic made you think about the conditions in which you live for the very first time.
“Viruses savor innocent flesh such as yours.”
Jesus fucking Christ.
“You’re lucky. When I was your age, all we had was 9/11.”
Children of these times will probably experience several more 9/11-level tragedies.
“Dr. Fauci feasts on children just like yourself.”
Your child will never sleep again once you tell them the legend of Fauci, an evil monster who climbs through windows and eats bad children’s brains.
“Take off the mask, libtard.”
Motor control is still in development for children under 3.
