Worst Mistakes Men Make On Valentine’s Day

Believing In Love

It will always let you down. Always…always. Always.

Scattering A Trail Of Rose Petals Leading Directly Into An Industrial Thresher

What are you thinking, men?!?!

Crossing Al Capone

That’s right. All you scumbags—Bugs Moran, Weinshank, Schwimmer—filching out of Capone’s pockets with those whiskey runs. You know you don’t cross ol’ Snorky. Not in this town. Run as far as you want, you lying finks. No one gets far from Public Enemy No. 1 without a bullet in the back of his fucking skull.

Buying Childish Gifts

Your wife is a 34-year-old woman. She doesn’t want a pink stuffed bear. She wants a purple frog.

Yelling ‘Gross’ When They See Their Own Penis

It can be difficult to control this impulse, but it’s ultimately worth it if the object is to get laid.

Rushing Into A Gas Station In A Panic, Rotating The Gift Rack, And Just Grabbing The First Nazi-Looted Vermeer Painting They See

Any ethical girlfriend will just feel let down that her partner got something as tacky as a stolen painting from one of the masters of the Dutch Baroque period.

Sealing Themselves In A Locked Cage Rapidly Filling With Seawater

It’s Valentine’s Mistakes 101, which just makes it all the more embarrassing how common this still is.

Not Making Reservations At A Bed

Many men assume they’ll be able to find a last-minute place to make love in their own bed, but in reality, these spots have been booked months in advance.

Paying Too Much Attention To The Clitoris

The clitoris will become confused and unsure of itself if it becomes the center of the limelight.

Drinking An Entire Gallon Of Milk And Throwing Up

Maybe save some milk for the woman in case she’d also like to vomit?

Not Saying ‘I Love You’ To Their Partner’s Extra Face

This was always a package deal, and they knew that going in.

Not Buying His Sweetie A Piece Of Fine ‘Onion’ Merchandise

And to think, you were just going to spring for another diamond tennis bracelet.

Getting Their Penis Stuck In The 100-Point Hole Of A Skee-Ball Machine

No amount of points is worth missing out on a special night with the one you love.

Calling It ‘Cum Day’

Cum Day is in October.

Eating Edible Underpants Before Dinner

Now your appetite and “big surprise for after” are both ruined.

Using The Gulf Of Tonkin Incident As Justification To Directly Engage In The Vietnam War

Women can smell a false pretense that will result in a historic and expensive international boondoggle from a mile away.

Expecting Your Partner To Cook A Fancy Dinner

Treat the special lady in your life by telling her she can cook you something easy, like pasta.

Revealing They Are A Little Boy Originally Made Of Wood That Was Brought To Life Through Magic

However obvious your lies are, it’s better to skirt the issue of you being underage entirely.

Picking Up A Handful Of Last-Minute Shit From The Checkout Counter At CVS

You had all year to buy her a Snickers bar and a pack of gum, but now you’re going to have to go three blocks out of the way to make it happen before dinner.

Getting A Candy Heart Stuck In Your Windpipe And Keeling Over Dead In The Office Workroom

Not romantic. Jesus, don’t you know anything?

Scheduling A Foreskin Reattachment For The Same Day

They had 364 other days to get this highly painful and medically questionable procedure. Why today?

Still Being 17

One of the worst things a man can do on Valentine’s Day is be below the legal age of consent.

Orchestrating A M

Even though he’ll try to make it seem romantic, you know deep down that destabilizing the nation’s infrastructure is less of a “you” thing and more of a “him” thing.