Recent polls found that American men under 30 are not having sex. The Onion asked U.S. women to explain why males under the age of 30 are so unfuckable.
Megan Trevino (Marketing Manager)
“Hardly any guys have the necessary numbers of cattle, goats, and horses to give to my father for a proper dowry.”
Elizabeth Robson (IT Consultant)
“They have no manners. What ever happened to ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ in between thrusts?”
Natalia White (History Teacher)
“They all grew up watching porn so they have unrealistic expectations of how many tentacles women should have.”
Rebecca Wieden (Engineer)
“They’re always covered in playground sand.”
Lisa Tyler (Lawyer)
“Unless you can get me going with a riveting tale of the action your unit saw during the Battle of the Bulge, I’m not interested.”
Valeria Meadows (Earring Model)
“All of their dirty talk is MrBeast-related and I don’t know who that is.”
Roberta Perez (Tour Guide)
“They just haven’t been the same since…the accident…”
Bethany Samuels (Chef)
“They tend to last a very long time, and I’ve got stuff to do.”
Patricia McManus (Doctor)
“Every time I try to explain this, a man under 30 interrupts me to offer his own explanation.”
Marissa Pacheco (Podiatrist)
“Why put out if there’s no Chili’s senior discount involved?”
Shana Carillo (Mail Carrier)
“It’s illegal because you might accidentally damage the soft part of their skull.”
Marcy Carney (Lawyer)
“Their moms have been taking way too long to pick them up after we’re done.”
Jessica Davenport (Financial Advisor)
“Men don’t get good at sex until they reach their late 70s.”
Rosa Garcia (Architect)
“Whenever I scream, ‘Who wants to give momma a baby?’ at the bar, they all avoid me.”
Katherine Tableman (Nurse)
“Every guy I’ve dated falls asleep to the Joe Rogan podcast.”
Kimberly Schiff (Security Guard)
“Don’t have any feelings whatsoever about Yu-Gi-Oh!.”
Jenna Wheaton (Masseuse)
“They won’t stop talking about crypto. Neither will older men, but at least they have money.”
Maribella Poskey (Actress)
“Younger men haven’t fully realized how to manipulate me into loving them yet.”
