Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building

CHICAGO—Unable to remember one way or the other, local 32-year-old Sidney Golinski, who was unsure if she had turned off the burner she used to cook eggs for breakfast Wednesday, told reporters she had finally made peace with the fact that she might have killed everyone in her apartment building. “Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now, so I’m ready to mourn them and express my condolences to their loved ones if I did accidentally leave my stove on and it burned down the entire complex with my neighbors trapped inside,” said Golinski, who added that she had spent an appropriate amount of time worrying over whether she had turned off the gas range and was now just going to accept that a kitchen towel may well have been set alight by the unattended flame and caused a fire to spread through the 64-unit building, killing all in its path. “There’s no point obsessing over it. If they’re dead, they’re dead. All I can do now is hope that all the men, women, and children who were home at the time rest in peace. If I get back tonight and there’s a charred pile of rubble laden with human remains that are burnt beyond recognition, well, at least I’ll know once and for all that I forgot to turn the stove off.” At press time, Golinski had reportedly moved on from mourning her dead neighbors to researching a good lawyer she could hire if she were to be found culpable for their deaths.