Woman Frantically Cleaning Up Entire City Before Parents Visit

CHICAGO—Racing to make everything tidy ahead of the quickly approaching visit, local woman Ellen Crandall was frantically cleaning up the entire city before her parents came into town for a visit, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’ve got to hide all these weed shops,” said Crandall, who wiped the sweat off her brow as she worked to scrub and declutter the city’s 20,000 blocks ahead of her parents’ estimated 4:30 p.m. arrival time. “I hope they’re not too disappointed. This place is a mess. I thought I was going to throw up when I saw Wrigleyville. Maybe I’ll just throw a blanket over the construction on the expressway.” At press time, Crandall noted that while she did not have time to get to the suburbs, at least the place looked better than before.